


Tabula Rasa

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-10-14
Packaged: 2017-11-05 05:46:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Surana is heartbroken when Alistair leaves him for his duties as king, and is left with nothing but doubts and guilt. The loss of their love takes Surana on a journey he had never imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alistair.

  
_  
The mind is its own place, and in itself  
Can make a heav’n of hell, a hell of heav’n.  
-John Milton (Paradise Lost.)_  
  
  
  
"We need to talk." Alistair said, not quite entering the room where the others sat drinking, playing cards.  
  
Oghren elbowed Hashim, whom turned around and smiled at Alistair, "Of course. Can it wait till I win this hand?"  
  
"No." Alistair mumbled, but his lover apparently didn't hear, and turned around to catch up on the card game. "No." Alistair said louder, "Now Surana."  
Hashim frowned and folded his cards, turning around in his chair again to look at Alistair, "What?"  
  
"Please." Alistair said more gentle, but his face was every bit as serious as before.  
  
Hashim sighed, "Very well," He placed his cards on the table with the backside up. And got up from his chair, "Where have you been? I thought we were going to have a celebration, Loghain is dead, and his daughter in prison. And you are.."  
  
Alistair hauled a surprised Hashim out of the room and into the adorning room for privacy.  
  
Hashim laughed nervously, he would have thought it funny if not Alistair had looked to serious and downtrodden. "What is it my love?" he asked, reaching up to caress Alistair's cheek.  
  
Alistair didn't move into the touch, and just turned his head away. "It's just.. Remember when you said that everything would be fine as long as we had each other? And remember what I said?"  
  
"No.. Maybe.." Hashim said withdrawing his hand, wringing it with it's twin, not sure he liked the tone in Alistair's voice. "What is this about?"  
  
"Duty." Alistair stated as he started pacing the room. "I am about to be King, - King! And.." He stopped for a moment and looked at Hashim, for a second he almost didn't want to say anything, he just wanted to take his lover to bed and kiss away that haunted look in his eyes. But he didn't, he took a deep breath and said. "There is talk in the corners, about me, about you.. about us."  
  
"So?" Hashim said confused, "Since when have you cared for gossip?"  
  
"Since I was made to be king." Alistair said in a lifeless tone. "And Anora was right when she said.."  
  
"Stop right there." Hashim took a step forward, "Did that bitch get to you with promises of political marriage and peace?"  
  
"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" Alistair said and looked away. "There is just more to it than that. You know that Grey Wardens don't exactly have the longest lifespan, if we don't die in battle, the taint will get us eventually."  
  
"But we.." Hashim wet his lips, "I thought that.."  
  
"So did I." Alistair sighed, "But you see I am the last of my bloodline, and I would need a heir.. And you, you can't.." He dropped his head and looked at the floor, his words but a whisper, "Give me that."  
  
"Surely you are joking.. Tell me you are joking." Hashim said with a tiny voice, his hands wrung so hard that his fingertips were white, but none the less he managed to shoot Alistair a little smile, "Maybe we should go to bed and you could think it over in the morning."  
  
"No." Alistair shook his head sadly. "It's no joke, I'm terribly sorry Has-.. Surana.This is how it has to be, and I see no point in delaying it. If this is what has to be, then we might as well," He looked away from Hashim again and sighed, "End it now."  
  
Hashim blinked confused, "Your logic is flawed, surely you can.."  
  
"Don't make this harder than it has to." Alistair begged, "I love you, but we both knew that a day might come when duty would.. Come in the way."  
  
"I know you -said- that, but I had honestly never thought that it would happen, I thought what we were.."  
  
"-Be stronger than that?" Alistair cut in. "I did too." He started pacing again, "I have spent the last two hours waiting for an answer from the Maker, because I really didn't want to chose between my heart and my duty." Alistair turned to look at Hashim's large worried eyes. He could tell that his lover was scared, he had only ever seen him like this twice, once was when they had found Cailan nailed up at Ostagar. "I never asked for this."  
  
"I supported your right to the throne because I love you, I trust you and believe that you would be the best king that Ferelden could wish for." Hashim said, his tone hard and angry. "I would never have supported you if I had thought that it would mean -this-. I never wanted this! I want you, here by my side like you are supposed to be.." Hashim's lips were a thin bloodless line of anger, "That came out wrong, I didn't do this for us, or me. I did this for -you-."  
  
"And in time I will get used to it." Alistair mumbled sadly, "It might even grow on me, but.."  
  
"I can't believe I'm hearing this!" Hashim yelled angrily, finally letting go of all his penned up frustration hitting a tall vase letting it shatter on the floor between them. "You really are of noble blood, because only a noble would do something like this, for something so.."  
  
"You made me do it!" Alistair yelled back, "You are the one who wanted me to take the crown from Anora, I wanted her to keep the blighted thing!"  
  
"I know.." Hashim growled, "But this.." He extended his arms out into the room, "This.. it's madness Alistair."  
  
"I know.." Alistair repeated. "But it is how it has to be."  
  
Hashim hung his head, "I understand." He mumbled, and then looked up at Alistair with fire in his eyes, "It's not about some blighted heir, is it? You could get yourself a queen and a child, and you know that I would still be right here at your side. This is about me being poor Denerim Alienage riff raff ain't it? It's about me being an elf, who can do little else than to serve the noble. They sure as shit don't share their sheets or their breakfast as equals. Or is it about me being a mage? Suppose we aren't good for anything but being locked away in the Tower. - And all the love and respect I thought we had, it all comes down to this. But it's okay brother, do what you have to."  
  
"Do you really think that little of me?" Alistair whispered sadly sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Right now? yes I do." Hashim argued, "You seem to forget who I am." He walked over to Alistair and kneeled down at the other warden's side, looking up at the man. "Are you going to sacrifice our love, on the altar of duty?"  
  
"Don't do this." Alistair begged again, but this time he turned his head and looked down at the elf seated at his feet. "We will still be brothers in arms. Apart from us not being lovers, nothing will change."  
  
Hashim took a deep breath. "If that is your wish." He mumbled and slowly stood, "Brother." He clenched fists not to cry, swiftly turning away from Alistair on the bed walking towards the door to the hall. "I need to be alone."  
  
"I understand." Alistair answered in a thick voice from the bed.  
  
~*~  
  
Hashim had fled to his room, someone had knocked on his door, but he hadn't been bothered with answering it. He had two glasses of red wine trying to ground himself, knowing that Riordan expected them both in his room.  
  
~*~  
  
When he came back he found Morrigan waiting in his room. "What do you want?" He sighed, "Whatever it is, do it fast, I am tired."  
  
Morrigan studied Hashim and nodded, "I know why you need a Grey Warden to end a blight. I know your little secret." She said, "I am offering you a third option so no one has to die."  
  
Hashim rose a brow, "More of your blighted blood magic?" He shook his head, "Not interested."  
  
"Would you just hear me out?" Morrigan asked walking past Hashim and over to the door to the hall and closed it. "If you lay with me now and impregnate me, the soul of the dragon would seek out the baby, and not you or your fellow wardens."  
  
"A.. -a baby?" Hashim repeated like an idiot.  
  
"Yes you are aware how they are made right?" Morrigan smiled a little awkward. "The child would be mine alone, and I would leave to raise it, never looking back." She shrugged, "A small price to save your life."  
  
Hashim shook his head and poured another glass of wine. "I have no fear of death, as a matter of fact I would welcome it." He sighed, "Go ask Alistair, he is apparently in the baby making business."  
  
"Be reasonable Surana." Morrigan argued.  
  
"I have -had- it with being reasonable! Get out of my room witch! Persuade Alistair to go along with your mad plan, or don't." Hashim growled, "Just get out of my sight!" Hashim tore the door open behind Morrigan and forcefully pushed her outside into the hall, not caring for her arguments he just shut the door hard between them.  
  
Hashim seated himself in an armchair burying his face in his hands, feeling like the empty feeling inside would swallow him up, and he would abandon all reason and just slip into the warm comfort of madness. This was all wrong! How could Alistair even say the things he did?  
  
The door opened and Dog slipped into the room. It nudged Hashim's hands for a reassuring touch. Hashim looked up and saw Zevran stand in the door, "The dog was unable to find rest, so I thought it wanted to go to it's master."  
  
"Thank you." Hashim said flatly, scratching the dog behind his ear.  
  
"I heard you yell earlier, is everything alright?" Zevran said trying to be diplomatic about it. Truth was they had heard every single angrily spoken word through the wall. He slipped inside and closed the door to give them privacy.  
  
"I'm fine." Hashim said unable to wipe a trace of sadness from his voice. "I just need a good nights rest."  
  
"I could.." Zevran looked thoughtful for a moment, and chose his words with great care, "I could give you a massage, I promise you it will do you good and help you relax." Hashim just glared at Zevran. And Zevran held his hands out in front of him in a dismissing gesture. "No nothing like -that-."  
  
Hashim wanted nothing more but to be alone, but his entire body ached from weeks on the road, fighting and sleeping on the ground. "In that case, I would appreciate it."  
  
~*~  
  
Hashim sighed with bliss as Zevran's hands worked his aching calfs, the sandalwood oil making him relaxed and drowsy.  
  
"If you don't mind me prying, then what was that fight about?" Zevran asked softly.  
  
Hashim knew he should have argued, but he didn't, he was drowsy and warm. "Duty." He whispered lazily. "Alistair's duty to the crown of Ferelden, and my duty to the wardens." Hashim closed his eyes as Zevran pressed the heel of his hands down and pressed a warm sore trail along his spine.  
  
"I'm sorry." Zevran said softly, kneading the tense muscles in Surana's back.  
  
"Me too." Hashim whispered. "He needs a heir, something I can't give him no matter how many foes I kill for him, or how deep my love is."  
  
"Do you regret supporting him as king, then?" Zevran asked softly.  
  
"Yes, and no." Hashim admitted, "He belongs on the throne, I'm just sad that it has to be without me at his side." Why he confided so in Zevran he wasn't sure, but it felt good, felt like his headache dimmed a little.  
  
"As I understand it, your time here is precious short when you are a warden." Zevran said, "Turn around." He pulled Hashim's arm and he rolled over on his back.  
  
Hashim draped an arm over his eyes, "It's foolish I know." He whispered, biting his lip as Zevran's hands worked his thigh. The warm hands on skin that hadn't felt a touch in weeks, radiated straight to his groin. Hashim blushed embarrassed. "I'm sorry." He mumbled referring to his slight erection behind his smallclothes.  
  
"It's fine." Zevran said with a little smile, "You aren't the first who had that happen."  
   
Hashim didn't answer, and didn't move, he tried to will his erection away, but Zevran's smooth hands kneading his muscles sent all the wrong signals to something buried deep under reason. Maybe it was the wine? He sucked in his breath as Zevran abandoned his thighs to massage his arms.  
  
"I would hate for you to think I took advantage of you, but if you want me to take care of your need, I will happily oblige." Zevran said smoothly, leaving Hashim's right arm to pick up the left and give that same treatment.  
  
"It's just.." Hashim mumbled, draping the other arm over his eyes, not wanting to see the disapproving look in Zevran's eyes, here he was talking about heartache, and still his body reacted to the other elfs cunning hands, he didn't want it to, but it did. "It's been a while." His blush deepened. "Nothing personal."  
  
"You speak as I should be offended." Zevran chuckled.  
  
"Surely you know that.."  
  
"I know," Zevran said with a little smile, "Nothing personal." He placed a hand boldly on top of the bulge in Hashim's smallclothes.  
Hashim bit his lip, "No." He breathed, hating himself.  
  
Zevran removed his hand, and moved off the bed, wiping his hands free from massage oil in a cloth. "Any time you need to have your muscles loosened a little, let me know." He said casually.  
  
Hashim sat up in the bed, ignoring his throbbing erection that demanded attention that he refused to grant it. "He was right you know." he said, "Matters of love and lust should not come before duty." He looked away from Zevran's amused smile, knowing he lied. Covering himself up with his hands he managed a half smile to Zevran, "Thank you for the massage, I feel better than if I had slept for eight hours straight in a soft bed."  
  
"You should have that wound in your shoulder looked at before it festers." Zevran said tossing the oil soiled rag to the corner.  
  
Hashim nodded weakly, "Good night Zevran."  
  
Zevran knew he was being dismissed and left the wardens room. Not sure he liked the sad frown that had settled in Surana's face, hoping that it would not matter when it came down to his focus in battle.  
  
Falling back on his bed, Hashim cursed himself for his weakness. He had completely lost focus on why he did what he did. He had acted like a love struck maiden, trying his best to impress the man of his dreams, with the fragile hope that he would chose him and stay by his side for eternity. Eternity had just come premature in the shape of the people of Ferelden. He knew he was being ridiculous but he was just about the worst match for a new king. He was an man, a mage and lastly he was an elf from the Denerim Alienage. True fairytale story that he had ended up as the kings trusted, and like a selfish child, he wanted more. He wanted his heart and soul. He wanted Alistair. The dark heavy feeling spread in his chest again, somehow it was just worse to know that Alistair was sleeping two doors down. Maybe he wasn't even sleeping, maybe he was with Morrigan. That bitch didn't waste any time did she? Why had the Maker set him out on this path, knowing that he couldn't see it through? Had he been a noble woman, it wouldn't have been a problem. Hashim was sure of it! Then they could have worked around the whole taint issue, or maybe he just thought that Alistair would have been more inclined to try and work around it.  
  
The Dog crawled up in the bed and Hashim curled up to it, still feeling lazy and warm from the massage and all the dark thoughts had erased his unwilling arousal. He buried his face in the Dog's fur and closed his eyes, just listening to the giant animal breathe was soothing. "It doesn't matter now Dog, you and I are going out in a blaze of glory for all to remember, when we slay the Archdemon. It will be glorious and songs will be song about us, I'd like that, wouldn't you?" The dog grunted and shifted it's huge head and fell asleep.  
  
~*~

 

The next morning they Hashim didn't join them for breakfast, he didn't want to see any of them to be honest. As he strapped his armor he looked down at Dog. "What do you say we pay Soris a visit?" He smiled at the huge war dog, "I think we are entitled to a day off." Hashim opened the door to the hall and looked outside, he didn't see anyone and figured they were busy eating breakfast and making plans for today. "You have to be silent as a mouse, you can do that can't you Dog?" Hashim snuck out of the Arl's home with great care. And as soon as he was outside he and the dog sprinted towards the Alienage, he didn't slow his pace before he walked down the stairs to the bridge he knew so well. Even the putrid smell made him smile. He was home! He had been honest when he had said that he thought of the tower of Magi as his home, but this was his home as well. "Maybe you can even find a rat or two to eat." He grinned at the dog at his side. "But no urinating on the Vhenedal."  
  
Opening the door with a red painted cross to the simple house, Hashim frowned at the semi dark inside. "Soris?" But no one answered and he stepped into the house, he peaked into the bedroom and saw his brother sleeping on his back. "Soris?" He asked again as he came closer.  
  
"What?" Soris mumbled, struggling to sit. He looked at Hashim with dull eyes. "Is my eyesight failing or is it you little brother?"  
  
"It's me." Hashim said with a smile. "I came to Denerim with the, the... Oh never mind that." He sat down on the bed next to Soris, "I thought I would take a day off the whole darkspawn killing and come see you."  
  
"That is kind of you." Soris laid down again with a groan, "You shouldn't have. I mean you really shouldn't have, not unless you want to risk getting locked up in the Alienage with the rest of us." He slurred.  
  
Hashim frowned, and by instinct rested his hand on Soris' forehead. "You are burning up!" He gasped, "We need to get you to the healer.. Or maybe I could try to.."  
  
"It's the plague," Soris sighed, "Can you cure that with your fancy magic baby brother?"  
  
"No." Hashim muttered and hung his head. "But.." He stroked his brother over his hair tenderly. "Why didn't you send word to me?"  
  
"I wouldn't know how." Soris said bitterly, closing his eyes.  
  
Hashim sighed, he knew that Soris was right. "Is there anything I can do for you?"  
  
"Get Shianni out of here." Soris said with a soft smile. "She is not sick."  
  
"I can try, but I don't think she would come." Hashim said, brushing his fingertips lightly over Soris' forehead, "But I can't leave you like this." Hashim bit his lip and placed his hands on Soris chest using every single recourse in his body to pour healing magic into his brother. Panting he let go, "I can't - heal you."  
  
Soris gasped as the magic source left his body. "It was worth a try." He said pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling dizzy.  
  
"I know a mage who is the most talented healer I ever met. I will bring her tomorrow." He picked up Soris' hand and kissed it, "But for today, is there anything I can get you? Food? water? a bath?"  
  
"Food would be nice." Soris admitted, "I haven't been able to go out for a week, and Shianni she doesn't come here."  
  
"The cross on the door?" Hashim asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ah." Hashim stood and tucked the dirty blanket around his brother, "Don't worry, I will make everything alright again, I promise."  
  
"Don't make promises you can't keep baby brother." Soris yawned.  
  
Hashim looked away from his brother's blue eyes that stared at him accusingly. "I didn't exactly ask the Templars to come and whisk me away." he said sourly, but stopped himself before he started a fight with his brother. He knew his brother had resented him for leaving, and it didn't matter what he said then Soris wouldn't listen, they had exchanged many an angry exchange of letters years ago."But that is hardly relevant now." He answered his brothers glare with his own. "I'll be back in a little while.Try and rest."  
  
~*~  
  
Shianni stared at him like he had fallen from the moon, "Cousin." She cheered, embracing him for a moment. "Have you come home to use your magic to cure the sick?"  
  
Hashim took a deep breath and looked up into the sky. "No." He said softly. "I already tried on Soris, I can't.."  
  
Shianni crossed her arms over her chest and just glared at him, "What do you mean you can't?"  
  
"I mean, I don't know how to do it. And maybe I am not talented enough, I don't know." He shrugged. "But I know someone who I think can do it, if she can't then I don't know who can."  
  
"Then why are you here?" Shianni asked.  
  
"I came to visit Soris." Hashim admitted, "I had not heard news of plague in the Alienage."  
  
"And for good reason, because as much as we want help, then we can't afford a lock down." Shianni said with a slightly guarded expression. And Hashim knew why. He had left this place as a kid, and was no longer really a part of their collective, all things aside.  
  
"You can trust me." Hashim said with a friendly smile.  
  
~*~  
  
As he left the Alienage and went back to the markets place, his head was swimming with information. Under normal circumstances he would go to Alistair, and know that Alistair would do his damnedest to help the poor elves, but now.. he wasn't so sure. Maybe it was best not to tell anyone till he was sure what was going on, exept Wynne if he wanted her help.  
  
"My, my warden Surana." Zevran said flashing a grin from his seat on some crates. "Visiting your kin?"  
  
"My family, if you must know." Hashim said with a shrug, "I grew up here."  
  
Zevran nodded, listening. "I didn't know you were from Denerim."  
  
"Of course not, I haven't told you." Hashim stated.  
  
"Alistair is absolutely livid, looking for you." Zevran said jumping from the crate, "I figured I had a better chance at finding you on my own. After all that is my specialty, finding people who don't want to be found."  
  
"I just.." Hashim fell into the same pace as Zevran across the markets place, "Needed to straighten out my head."  
  
"From the look of you, it didn't work." Zevran said, placing a friendly hand on Hashim's arm. "You can tell me you know. The only other thing I am really good at is keeping secrets."  
  
"That is such a huge lie." Hashim laughed.  
  
"Yes, but I got you to smile." Zevran shrugged and took his hand back, "Then it was all worth it."  
  
~*~

  
"There you are!" Alistair cried out as Hashim stepped through the Arl's doors. "Where have you been?"  
   
"Family visit." Hashim said looking at Alistair with sad eyes.  
  
"I was afraid you left." Alistair admitted with a tiny voice, grabbing Hashim and burying him in a tight embrace.  
  
"I would never do that," Hashim whispered, and melted against Alistair's broader form.  
   
Alistair let go and took a step back to put distance between them. "You were pretty upset."  
  
"I'm fine." Hashim said, wishing he had pushed Alistair away when he had gathered him in for a hug. "Excuse me, I need a bath." He tried to get past Alistair, who grabbed his arm and held him back.  
  
"We are still friends right?" Alistair asked in a childish, fragile tone that made Hashim suck in his breath.  
  
"We are." Hashim said turning to face Alistair, he took a step forward, saddened to see Alistair took one back. "Please reconsider." Hashim took a deep breath, "Us."  
  
"You have no idea how much I hate myself for doing this to you, I can see the hurt in your eyes, and I can hear it in your voice. And I know that telling you that I love you won't change anything." Alistair said unable to meet Hashim's eyes. "But to hold you now would be to promise a dying man, life."  
  
Hashim just stared at Alistair, his glare full of the venom he felt. "Suppose you are right." He finally said bitterly.  
  
"Let us never speak of this again, it serves no purpose other than hurting us both." Alistair said reaching out for Hashim who was the one to step out of his reach this time.  
  
"I have no other choice than to accept it." Hashim said in all honesty. "But know that I will never forgive you."  
  
"I understand." Alistair said with a sad nod.  
  
"No you don't." Hashim barked, turned on his heels and fled to his room and locked the door.  
  
-tbc


	2. Zevran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by Lisbet.

They had been on their way back to Denerim from Redcliffe when Hashim suddenly fainted and fell over. The only one who stopped was the dog, whining and nudging its master. The dog barked, drawing attention from the others.

Zevran, Morrigan and Alistair turned around and looked after the dog and what it was barking at. "Maker!" Alistair gasped, hurrying back to where Hashim lay face down in the dirt. Alistair turned Hashim around and placed his head in his lap. "Why didn't he say something if he felt ill?" A hurt expression ghosted over Alistair's face. "You fool," he mumbled at Hashim, who was out cold in his lap.

Zevran looked thoughtful for a moment and then sat down, unclasped Hashim's shoulder guard and tore the thin fabric apart that was under it. All of them looked away as he exposed a deep, infected wound in Hashim's shoulder. "I told him to get that tended to," Zevran argued when the others looked at him accusingly.

"When did you see this?" Alistair wondered, with a disapproving expression.

"Does it matter?" Zevran said, and then shrugged. "Very well, I gave him a massage." He smiled as Alistair's lips became a bloodless line of anger. "Sadly, there was no buggery involved.”

Alistair seemed to relax a little. "Can you do something, Morrigan?"

Morrigan shook her head sadly. "Not really. I can close the wound, but the infection is up to him."

"All right." Alistair sighed and picked Hashim up, carrying him like a child. It would be a very long walk back to Denerim.

~*~

Everything was upside down, it was hard to breathe and the air would fizzle like a desert on a hot day. Hashim knew this place; it had haunted him since he was a child. It was the fade. He stood in the Arl's dining room. He could see people around the table eating, and he wondered why they were here, and most of all why he was here. He had felt weak and dizzy for some days, but he had just figured that it was because he needed to eat better, and rest more.

He knew the fade was half dream half real, so maybe he could figure out why he was here, while he tried to get out. He walked up the stairs to his own room, and to his surprise he found Zevran sitting on the bed waiting for him. "Zevran? What are you doing here?" Hashim asked.

"I don't know," Zevran replied with a little shrug. "I guess that bloodmage sent us here somehow." He frowned. "I have been looking for someone to tell me what this place is, but I haven't found anyone." Zevran looked up at Hashim and smiled. "Until you suddenly showed up."

"I don't remember a mage." He shook his head as to remember what he did prior to waking here. But it was just a blank hole filled with nausea. "Maybe there was a bloodmage, I don't know."

"What now?" Zevran asked.

"Either we wait till we wake, or we try and get out somehow." Hashim looked out on the corridor. "But since no one has tried to attack me, I suppose it's because we are kept prisoners with magic."

"Is it a dream?" Zevran asked scooting over toward where Hashim stood.

"Yes and no," Hashim said with a smile. "It's sort of both. Don't worry about it, Zevran. We'll be fine. We just need to figure out why we're here." Hashim turned to leave.

"It's a dream then." Zevran said softly.

To Hashim's surprise, he felt two very solid arms wrap around him from behind. "Wh-what?" He lifted his own arms to see what was happening.

"If it's a dream, then I suppose there is no reason to behave." The elf's voice was full of mischief, which made Hashim turn around in the embrace to look at Zevran.

Hashim opened his mouth to ask the assassin what he was thinking, but was met by a kiss instead. Hashim was reminded of his dreams as a teenager, where demons would visit him in the form of his worldly desire, and offer him what he so desperately craved. The warden pushed Zevran away with a disgusted yelp. "Who are you?" he panted.

"Who am I?" Zevran looked confused and a little hurt. "If you don't know who I am, you must have hit your head, hard."

Hashim knitted his eyebrows, studying the fade-Zevran. He didn't really understand why it was Zevran. A desire demon would know that it should come in the form of Alistair. "Is that really you?" he asked, suddenly feeling a little awkward.

"Who else?"

"What..." Hashim said, watching as Zevran pulled his tunic off. "Why?..."

Zevran tossed the fabric and looked up and down Hashim. "I have watched you since you spared me, admiring you, wishing that it was me who whispered sweet nothings in your ear while I brought you pleasure. But you were caught up with that boy scout, and I had a feeling about you."

"Oh." Hashim blushed.

Zevran stalked closer, "And since this is a dream, no one has to know. Right?"

"Technically it's not a dream," Hashim argued, but didn't move as Zevran was chest to chest with him.

"I can see it in your eyes," Zevran whispered, "how you long for him to touch you."

Hashim was about to argue again, but instead purred as Zevran kissed his way up his jaw line to his ear. He knew he should not give in, but it felt so good to have a warm, eager body against his own. So instead of pushing the other elf away, he twirled them around and slammed Zevran up against the wall. "You better be as good as you say," he growled, holding Zevran's arms against the wall over his head.

Zevran gasped and sucked in his breath. "Oh, I'm better."

~*~

Wynne studied Hashim as he lay still in his bed. She had cleaned his wound, and he should have been sleeping a normal resting sleep now. But she could tell he wasn't, he was dead-like except that he was breathing. She looked over at the dog that had insisted on lying by his master’s side. "I can't do more, he has to come back by himself," she said. The dog huffed and waited.

~*~

Hashim woke by the first daylight, and jolted up with a gasp. "Andraste’s tits!"

Wynne startled awake too, having nodded off as she looked after Hashim while they waited for him to wake. "You're awake," she said with a gentle smile. "How good of you to join the world of the living."

Hashim blinked confused. "What… Why am I here?" he asked, placing a hand on the dog for grounding.

"Honestly?"

Hashim just shot Wynne an angry glare.

"You fainted as we walked back to Denerim. You had an infected wound that you should have had someone look at, before the infection spread." He arched a brow. "That was stupid, dangerous and completely unnecessary."

Nodding, Hashim rubbed his face in his hands. "I have had a lot on my mind."

Wynne came over and sat down on his bed. "Did something happen in the fade?"

"No," Hashim lied, "I just couldn't figure out why I was there." He offered Wynne a weak smile. "I'm just tired and confused."

Wynne nodded, clearly not believing him.

"There is another thing," Hashim said. "I need your help, and I can't… It's a little delicate." He looked at Wynne with a hopeful expression. When she nodded, he continued. "Do you know how to cure the plague?"

"The plague?" Wynne gasped.

"Sssh! Keep it down!" Hashim hushed her. "But yes, the Plague."

"I think I can do that." Wynne added, "I might have to read up on some things, but if I agree to do this, you'll have to tell me more."

"All right," Hashim sighed, "but you have to keep it a secret. Promise." Wynne nodded. Hashim took a deep breath. "Before I came to the circle, I lived here in the Denerim Alienage with my family. Most of that is gone over the years, sickness, ageing and famine. But that is not really important. But what is important is that I went to visit my brother who is the only real family I have left, and he is sick from the plague." Hashim looked away from Wynne's curious eyes. "I wanted to help him, but I couldn't... I don't know how to."

"Is it a secret that you're from Denerim?" Wynne asked. "Honestly we all come from somewhere, and we can't all be nobility."

"No." Hashim shook his head, "My cousin, who's the keeper’s first, made me aware that the Alienage can't sustain its own people. So if I let someone know that there is an outbreak of plague there, then I am sure the Arl would close down the Alienage. Quarantine it and its inhabitants. Do you know what I mean? If the Alienage is closed off, people won't just die of the plague, but also from starvation and other things."

Wynne nodded. "So you want me to cure the plague on the infected elves before anyone notices?"

"Yes." Hashim gave Wynne a little embarrassed smile. "Would you be willing to try?"

"I would," Wynne said with a smile.

"Thank you." Hashim let out a breath he had been holding.

~*~

Hashim was just finishing his dinner that had been brought up to him as someone pushed the door open. The dog looked watchfully at the door and then at its master. Nothing could have surprised Hashim more than what the hallway revealed. "Alistair?"

"Surana..." Alistair looked dead serious and pale. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," Hashim said, putting his food aside, getting out of bed, wrapping himself in his cover.

"How are you?" Alistair asked, looking Hashim up and down. "Feeling better?"

"I'm fine, I just need some sleep." Hashim smiled and gestured towards the armchairs. "I'm told you carried me back. I'm sorry for that." With his back to Alistair, a little evil smile crept over his lips. "You should ask Zevran for a massage."

The intent of the message was not lost on Alistair, and he sat down with a heavy sigh. "I need a friend," he said bluntly. "And we used to be - friends."

"We still are," Hashim said, trying his hardest not to let any bitterness seep into his voice, sitting down as well.

Alistair nodded, "Good to know." He took a deep breath. "I debated with myself if I even wanted to talk to you about this, because somehow it seems wrong, and yet you are the right person to ask." Alistair wet his lips. "The Arls seem to be in total agreement that it would be best for peace in Ferelden if I were to marry Anora."

"I see why," Hashim said. "You would come off as doing the right thing for Ferelden."

"I know," Alistair mumbled, looking miserable.

"I sense a ‘but,’" Hashim said with a little smile. He shouldn't feel good that Alistair was troubled, but he couldn't help but feel like it was a small revenge.

"But I don't want to marry Anora," Alistair sighed.

Hashim wanted to be compassionate, but couldn't find it in his heart to do so. "Weren't you the one to lecture me on duty?"

"I was," Alistair admitted, slowly looking up to meet Hashim's frustrated glare. "I would have thought that when they forced me to marry some noble woman, I could at least choose her myself."

"I see why you are troubled." Hashim said calmly, his voice the direct opposite of his feelings. He wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss Alistair for looking so sad and lost, or if he wanted to kick his teeth in for being a spoiled brat. “I fail to see what I can help you with, though. I don't hold the power to change any of that.” He shrugged, and almost let Alistair know how he had taken any choice from Hashim as well, but he didn't, he stayed silent.

"I know…" Alistair sighed. "I just need a friend to listen."

"Oh." Hashim sucked in his breath. "Well, if it's absolution you want, I suggest you talk with one of the chantry brothers or sisters."

"You promised that we wouldn't..." Alistair argued hotly, "that it wouldn't ruin our trust and friendship."

"And it hasn't!" Hashim shot back. "I treat you no differently than any of our other friends." When Alistair stayed silent, Hashim continued, getting up from the chair and pacing the room as much as the wrapped blanket would let him. "I promised you that my role in this wouldn't change, I am still by your side, and I am still loyal to your cause. But that is all you can ask of me." He stopped and looked at Alistair, who was still seated. "You silenced me when I spoke of my broken heart, and now I will return the favour." Hashim's hand that held on to the blanket was white-knuckled from clutching the fabric in anger. "I - I can't do this Alistair..." He bowed in feigned respect and strode out of his own room.

~*~

Zevran couldn't help but to laugh as Morrigan couldn't find the rhythm in the dance. "Sweet Morrigan," he chuckled, "it's Tango! A dance of passion, not stomping insects."

"Right! I hate it with a passion!" Morrigan argued, but lit up in a smile when she saw The Warden standing in the doorway to the dining hall. "Surana!" she cheered, "welcome back to the living."

Zevran let go of Morrigan and turned and looked at the tired, sickly looking Warden only dressed in a blanket, like a toga. He was about to say something when Sten took the words out of his mouth. "You should be in bed."

"I know." Hashim huffed and walked into the room, trying to ignore how they all looked at his strange toga-like attire. "I was never any good at just lying around." He looked around and was surprised to not find Wynne and Shale. "Where's Wynne?"

"In the library, with Shale." Oghren said and burped loud. "Maybe she's using the golem as a stepping stone to reach the top shelves?"

"Very funny" Morrigan cut in. "Shale is..."

"A very intelligent lady," Hashim said, shutting Morrigan up.

Morrigan shook her head, amused. "Thank you for the dance lesson, Zevran." She returned to her seat.

Hashim leaned against the doorframe looking sullen. "Maybe I should go back to bed..." He mumbled to himself, and turned around and stumbled on the stairs.

"Come on, Surana." Zevran grinned as he suddenly pulled Hashim up to his feet. "You need to get back to bed."

~*~

Once inside the bedroom, Zevran placed Hashim on the bed and pulled clean bed linens out of the armoire. Suddenly he stopped dead. "Why did you ignore that wound even after I told you to get it looked at?"

"I forgot," Hashim admitted. "I was too busy proving myself to Alistair, I suppose." Hashim tossed the sheet he had been wearing as a dress. "Maybe I hoped that he would regret his words if I..." He shook his head. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Zevran pulled the sheet from the armoire and came over to Hashim, placing it gently on the Warden's shoulders. "Love is a dangerous mindset. I have seen it bring powerful men to their knees, and women leave their families."

Hashim sighed. "I feel like I won't ever be whole again."

"You will," Zevran said with a little smile.

Hashim turned around and looked at Zevran. "Would you... could you, perhaps..."

Zevran laughed softly. "Give you another massage?" He got up to fetch the massage oil. "You have but to ask."

"I slept better than I have for years, after the last time. And I need to sleep," Hashim mumbled, lying down on his stomach. "I never cared for sleeping draughts."

“Never trusted any form of draught,” Zevran admitted, rubbing his hands together to warm them up.

"Do you have any siblings, Zevran?" Hashim asked with a blissful smile, as Zevran started to work his sore muscles.

"Not that I know of," Zevran said. "Then again, I could have twenty."

"I have an older brother," Hashim whispered. "He always hated me, hated that I was special, hated that I was taken to the tower of magi." He sighed. "Little does he know, and now he won't let me help him because... I don't belong anymore. You know, like a wolf cub, if touched by a human, will be left by its mother?"

Zevran nodded, but Hashim couldn't see that. "I would have welcomed templars."

"No, you think you would have, because you think it was a way out," Hashim said softly. "I have never been as scared as when they took me from the Alienage, not even when staring directly at a High Dragon." Hashim rolled around to his back and closed his eyes, feeling warmth spread in his body. "The Templars weren't exactly gentle, but not really violent either, just not equipped to handle a bunch of scared children. A bunch of scared children that would set you aflame by accident." Hashim smiled and chuckled lazily. "I have heard some atrocious stories about some of the circles in the Free Marches, where they would beat and rape their charges." He wet his lips, "Not us, though. We were just forced to walk far, not being told anything."

"Sounds scary for a child,." Zevran said honestly. "I spent most my childhood being shooed off." He chose his words carefully. "Until I hit puberty."

"Zevran," Hashim said, opening his eyes and looking up at the blonde elf, "I have to ask you something you might find strange, but did you have a dream of... eh... us, last night?"

"Us?" Zevran deadpanned. "No."

"Oh, good to know." Hashim relaxed down in the bed again, wondering what the hell had gone on in the fade, if that hadn't been Zevran, or maybe Zevran lied, there was always -that-.

"Was it dirty?" Zevran grinned.

"Was what?" Hashim asked half hearted, his head elsewhere.

"Your dream of us?"

"No. Just strange," Hashim lied, but he suspected his weak blush gave him away.

Zevran laughed softly, "Good to know I can still inspire." He ended the massage and sat back on the bed. "You remember what I told you about romance? Take it where you can, but never believe it's something you own. It is never yours. Just like the world is in eternal rotation, so are we, the people who live here. And what you think is forever today, is no more tomorrow."

Hashim popped up on his elbows and looked over at Zevran at the foot at the bed. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I want you to smile again." He admitted, "You have a pretty smile, and a brilliant laugh. And we have seen none of those in weeks."

"And how is it going to make me want to smile, when you tell me that nothing is really mine?" Hashim said. "Maker, you are something else."

"Because you need to accept your fate," Zevran said with a little friendly nod. "Don't fight it."

Hashim sat up, wrapping the blanket around him. "Do you know why a Grey Warden is needed to end a Blight?"

Zevran shook his head.

"Because the soul of the Archdemon has to go somewhere, and it will seek out the taint in our blood. So to prevent it from choosing another vessel to possess, it will possess whoever killed it, given they already have the taint." Hashim said pulling the blanket tighter around his frame. "And since I already have a soul, and both my own and the Archdemon’s essence can't be in the same place at the same time, it destroys the vessel, killing both."

"So a Grey Warden has to give his or her life to kill an Archdemon? But…" Zevran looked thoughtful. "There are only three here, and one is out of the question. Which leaves you and that old man."

Hashim nodded. "Yes." He looked away from Zevran. "I volunteered."

"You did what?!" Zevran yelled outraged. "Why would you do anything that stupid?"

"Maybe because I don't see any reason to stick around to waste away?" Hashim said sadly. "I would rather go down in history as a hero, than the sniffling idiot at Alistair's heels."

Zevran looked thoughtful, and then looked up at Hashim, nodding. "I understand that."

~*~

  
Two days later the darkspawn army had attacked.

Riordan was nowhere to be seen, and Hashim figured that he was either badly injured or dead, because nothing else would have kept the older Grey Warden from facing down the Archdemon. Not that Hashim had a lot of time to think about it, his head was full of screams and the roar of the Demon. His focus was on not getting killed, even if it would be rather amusing if he kicked the bucket from a Hurlock before he could even get close enough to the Archdemon to deal it a deathblow.

His entire body ached, with cuts, bites, and arrowheads stuck in his flesh. The more he fought, the more the harsh reality of them not making it became all the more true. All the dreams and all the hopes he had had, all the hard words he had had for Alistair, it all came down to this. Hashim looked over his shoulder to see Dog and Morrigan lying on the ground. He wasn't sure if they were dead or just out cold. And he didn't have time to check it, not if he wanted to stay alive.

A sudden scream froze his blood, that was Alistair's voice, terribly mangled in pain, but no doubt it was him. Hashim turned around to see Alistair scrambling weakly to get to his feet, a huge Hurlock general stepping in front of Alistair. Hashim sucked in his breath with a whimper, and aimed at the General. "Alistair!" he screamed, getting the General's attention.

"Kill it! Kill the Archdemon!" Alistair yelled pained, making a last desperate lunge for his sword in spite of being on his hands and knees.

To Hashim's surprise, the General suddenly slumped over, and revealed a smiling, but otherwise battle-rattled Zevran behind. Blood was flowing down his face and he was missing the tip of his ear. "Get his sword, kill that thing!" Zevran panted, reaching down trying to get Alistair to his feet.

Hashim tossed his staff. He had no more mana to pull from anyway, he couldn't focus on a spell even if he wanted to. His legs were wobbly and the sword felt terribly heavy. For a brief moment he looked over at Zevran, who failed at getting Alistair to his feet, and just fell to his knees next to Alistair. Hashim felt like he should say something, knowing this would be the end, but this was what he had signed up for. Why regret it when the moment was here? He didn't, but still he did. Maybe he couldn't have Alistair, but there were other things to live for. Hashim gritted his teeth, raised the sword over his head and rammed it down into the Archdemon's skull with an exhausted roar. He felt warm rays lick up against his skin, like it would lift him up into the thin air. Maybe this isn't so bad, Hashim thought to himself as his hands cramped around the hilt of the sword. I killed the demon, I ended the Blight! “Duty above all else,” he reminded himself.

~*~

Next thing he knew he woke in a bed he didn't recognize right away. Confused he rubbed his eyes and sat up. "I'm alive?" he mumbled, not really sure if that was the fact yet, or if this was the fade, or wherever the Archdemon would take his soul.

"Hashim!" Soris smothered his brother in a warm embrace.

It didn't feel like the fade, but neither had that silly dream of his. "So-Soris? Brother?"

"It's me." Soris grinned, sitting down on the bed, studying Hashim. "Were you expecting someone else?"

"No... yes... I... I don't know..." Hashim groaned and fell back into the bed.

"Someone is here, waiting for you to wake," Soris said. "He brought you here."

"Surana, you are no match for an Archdemon," Zevran grinned as he walked into the dark bedroom.

"Ah, Zevran," Hashim groaned. "Your ear..."

"Don't worry about that," Soris said, resting a hand on Hashim's chin. "Worry about getting well yourself."

"And you, you are well.,. did Wynne?"

"She did," Soris said with a tiny smile. "We all owe her our lives."

"I feel like I'm doing nothing but lying around," Hashim groaned, sitting up. He looked up at Zevran, worried. "Did the Archdemon die?"

"Stone dead," Zevran said with a serious expression.

"The why am I alive?" Hashim asked, confused. "I shouldn't be!"

"I honestly don't know," Zevran sighed. "But I'm happy that you are."

TBC


	3. Hashim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by Lisbet

It had been ages since Hashim had taken the time to just soak in a tub, just to lie there, lazy, full and slightly drunk. Actually he couldn't remember it ever happening outside of his fantasy. It had all worked out, the Archdemon was dead, the Blight was over, all by his hand. He should be proud, he was a hero! A role model for other mages who struggled not just with themselves, but with the public and the templars. He had showed them that a mage mattered, that a mage could stay true and righteous. In the matter of the Grey Wardens, he had done nothing but what was expected of him. He was sure that they were glad that the Blight was over, but what now? Was he supposed to withdraw back to the deep roads and fight the remainder of the Dark Spawn there? Or was he free to choose? He suspected that he was, and since Riordan was dead, there was no one here to guide him. It was quite clear what would happen for Alistair now, what wasn't so clear was where he was supposed to go.

Hashim closed his eyes, feeling his limbs float slightly in the warm water. He wished that someone could explain to him why he was still dead. Had he done something wrong? The Archdemon was dead, there was no question about that, but where did its spirit go? His dog had died that day, his brave hound that had stayed true and loyal all through; it had made the ultimate sacrifice. And he recalled seeing the dog and Morrigan lying in the same place, but since he woke, no one had been able to find her or her remains. Morrigan had vanished into thin air. Hashim suspected there was something slightly off, but he didn't know what. Oh how he wished that Riordan were still amongst them. He would know what to make of this.

There was a knock on the door and without waiting for permission, they came inside. "Surana?" Zevran asked, peeking inside.

"I'm here, I haven't drowned or anything so fanciful," Hashim mumbled.

Zevran stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "You should be getting ready," he said. "We are expected downstairs soon."

"I know," Hashim sighed. "Do you think they'll notice if I'm not there?"

"Yes," Zevran laughed. "I think more people came to see you, than their new king and queen." Zevran took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't haven said that."

"Yes you should." Hashim groaned as he sat up straight in the bath, before standing up on wine-wobbly legs, stepping out of the bath. "It's the truth. The king and queen of sodding Ferelden." He grabbed the pants that had been laid out for him. Hashim angrily pulled them on and sat down, slamming his fist down into the bench. "Why is he making me watch this blighted charade?"

Zevran sighed. "I don't know. Maybe to get back at you? Maybe because he really -is- that stupid?" He held out the undertunic to Hashim. "Surana.. Where will you go now? Have you given that any thought?"

Hashim looked up at Zevran, taking the shirt from the other elf's hand. "I have a first name you know," he just said.

"I'm sure your mother provided you with such. But that does not answer my question," Zevran said kneeling at Hashim's feet, slowly pulling a boot on the surprised mage's foot.

"I don't know, Zevran, I just don't know." Hashim pulled the undertunic over his head. "Wynne is going back to the tower to see what she can rebuild, and I think that is a wise choice. The circle of Ferelden shouldn't be without her guidance." He experimentally lifted his other foot and Zevran put on his other boot. "Everyone is - is going home, or has found their calling, even you, I suspect."

"Would you want me to stay?" Zevran asked from his seat on the floor.

Hashim shook his head sadly. "That would be like caging a bird. Desperately selfish of the captor."

Zevran placed a warm hand on Hashim's knee, trying to level his eyesight so it met Hashim's, but no matter what he did, the mage wouldn't look him in the eyes. "I will stay if you ask me to."

Hashim smiled a little and then shook his head again. "I will miss you, make no mistake."

"And I you," Zevran admitted. "But you never answered me on what you will do."

Hashim sighed and finally met Zevran's eyes. "Maybe I should stick around for Soris? The Alienage could do with a helping hand, and some coin to get some trade going."

Zevran nodded. "You could do that." He slowly rose to his feet. "But do you think that would make you happy, Surana?"

"I don't know," Hashim shrugged.

~*~

Hashim stood and watched the coronation and the announcement of Alistair and Anora's wedding. He had to admit he had had a hard time not getting emotional, something that would just not be fitting of his stature. He felt a warm hand in his, as he focused on breathing through his nose and not crying. He looked to his left and saw Leiliana smile back. "It is a grand moment, is it not?"

"It is," Hashim admitted, squeezing her hand gently, letting go as they all kneeled before their new king.

"Don't be sad," Leiliana whispered. "There is always a war to be fought somewhere."

Hashim stood to his feet as the rest of the room did, what Leiliana had said it sounded mostly like something Sten would say, but it did make sense, after all it was what he signed up for. He just stared at Alistair standing there with his crown, and Anora at his side. That ought to be -him- up there, not that wench! He wasn't even aware that he had ever dreamed of this ending for them, but now that he stood here and watched the scene unfolding he could feel his stomach knot up in a great big lump of bitterness and sorrow. He watched as his friends all went to congratulate Alistair, and with hestitant steps Hashim made his way there too. He smiled at Anora and bowed slightly, and then he smiled at Alistair and bowed. "Your Majesty," Hashim said, not looking his old lover in the eye.

"Warden," Alistair said, his voice sounding just as tense as Hashim felt. "The Blight is over; there are no other Wardens around. Will you be leaving as well?"

Hashim would have punched Alistair if he could, how dared he ask him this in front of all these people? "I do not know, Your Majesty," he said with a firm tone, squaring his shoulders and feigning confidence.

"Could I pursuade you to stay?" Alistair said, "Denerim needs a hero, and I need a friend."

Hashim took a deep breath, managing his anger. That was low, even for Alistair! "If you wish it, I will stay for as long as you shall need me." He smiled, registering Anora's smile faltering a little from the corner of his eye.

"Thank you, Warden." Alistair said, risking a little smile.

~*~

The wedding was within days, the Chantry pushing for a ceremonial binding so there would be no accidents. Can't have the queen trying to hide a pregnant tummy in a wedding dress. And to Hashim the wedding was perhaps a more refined type of torture than the coronation. He had to sit though an hour long quoting of the Chant of Light from the Revered Mother. He didn't listen, he sat there and looked at Alistair, who sat on the front bench of the most obnoxious assembly that Hashim had ever seen, save maybe of some Orlesian merchants. - That night he had gotten ridicolously drunk and cried himself to sleep.

~*~

Hashim was sad to see his friends go. Slowly, over the course of a week, they were all gone. Zevran had stolen a kiss on the lips, much to the servants' amusement, and Hashim had just stood there like an idiot, rooted to the floor for a moment. And then Zevran too had left. Now Hashim was left with no one but Alistair, the king to whom he had pledged his temporary allegiance, but had yet to see. For someone who needed a friend, he sure didn't cash in on it very much. Hashim spent his time sparring with guards for the fun of it, visiting Soris and using his spoils of war to buy him a couple of stalls from the merchants of the Alienage, at the main market of Denerim. And when he had given the papers to Soris, he was sure he had seen a tear in the corner of his brother's eye.

He went to the Chantry just for the peace and silence, and would spend hours there pretending to pray. But all this time he kept trying to figure out why he still stayed by Alistair's side. He knew why, because Alastair had asked him to, and he would never be able to deny Alistair anything. And every time he thought of just getting up and leaving, and going to Orlais to find his fellow wardens, he would get a flash of a memory: he and Alistair had made love in the forest, and Alistair had whispered, 'Hashim, I love you,' and lifted off his necklace and solemnly placed it around Hashim's neck. And every time he reached for the necklace around his neck, he almost crushed it in his hand. Hashim rested his forehead on the bench infront of him, taking a deep breath. He felt like crying. He felt like just letting go of his misery and admitting that he couldn't live as Alistair's ghost. He couldn't stay to honor a promise made before he knew what it really meant. And what was the point of honoring a promise that he was the only one honoring?

"Warden Surana?" a soft voice said, which made Hashim look up. In front of him stood a young man; he seemed too young to be wearing the uniform of a Grey Warden. "I am he," Hashim said.

"I was told I would find you in the Chantry," the young man said. "I hope I do not impose on your time in the presence of the Maker."

"No... You didn't impose on anything," Surana said with a smile, and stood up. "Pray tell then, who are you and what can I do for you?" He started to walk out of the Chantry. The young warden followed.

"Forgive me," the young warden said. "My name is Thorne, and I was sent with a letter for your eyes only. Ser."

"Oh?" Hashim was impressed, that was unusual, to use a warden as messenger. He took the closed parcel that Thorne gave him. He studied the stamp. It looked awfully important; he could tell that it was from the Wardens, but he didn't knew that specific design.

"It's from Weisshaupt," Thorned said, with awe in his voice. "It's from the First Warden himself."

Hashim looked worried up at Thorne, "Do you think it might be orders?"

"I don't know, Ser." Thorne shrugged.

~*~

  
Thorne followed to the Arl's house and was seated with some food and wine, several female and male servants doting on him. Hashim shook his head, amused, and walked off with his letter. He sat down in the library, which felt terribly empty without Wynne. He broke the seal and read, -Warden Commander Surana- He looked up, since when was he Commander of anything? As he read on it became clear that Queen Anora had written Weisshaput and asked if it was wise for Hashim to dally, and then suggested that since there had been a power vaccum since the Arl of Denerim's demise and the new King, that Hashim would be used best for everyone's interest as the Arl of Amaranthine, retstoring Vigil's keep to its former glory. And this was just what the First Warden wanted to hear. Hashim read the letter over and over again, he was being sent to Vigil's keep with Thorne to meet up with a handful of other Wardens. There he was to overlook the restoration of the keep, and secure some power for the Wardens in the role of Arl. "That flearidden sodding bitch!" Hashim growled, standing up kicking a bookshelf.

Anger boiling, he stomped straight up to where Alistair would most likely be found. Hashim tore up the door and found Alistair eating supper with his queen. Hashim stopped. "My King," he said through gritted teeth, "may I have a word with you, once you are done dining?"

Alistair looked up slightly confused. "Speak your mind Warden."

Hashim straightened his back. "I fear it is for your ears only."

Anora reached for her wineglass. "Do you think me a blushing maiden, Warden?"

"My Queen." Hashim bowed again, knowing it was a trick question, because of course she was a sodding slut, he had no doubt in his mind. But if he said so, not even the First Warden could save his neck. "It is a matter between men." He tried to hide his smile, noticing her annoyed glare.

"I will be right back," Alistair said, leaning over and kissing Anora's cheek, and left with Hashim. They walked in silence to the King's study, where as Alistair closed the door, he was presented with the Warden's papers in his face. "Tell me what the sodding shit is this? It is bollocks, that is what it is!" Hashim raged, "Did you know that she petitioned the First Warden?" Hashim started pacing the floor as Alistair read the letter.

Alastair looked up, bewildered. "They are sending you to Vigil's Keep? But that is a ruin."

"Are you really that daft?" Hashim growled. He stared at Alistair, and without thought he reached over and held his old lover's face cupped in his hands, forcing Alistair to look into his eyes. "The Alistair I knew would never allow this! Is there anything left of the man I loved? Anora made sure that I would be sent away." He wet his lips. "I can't say that I have not thought of it; it pains me to see you with her. I miss you so much that my heart hurts." Hashim let go of Alistair and looked away from the other man's stricken expression. "I only stayed because you asked me to. You are what keeps me here, haunting the shadows of this place with nothing but a memory of why you were so dear to me. Tell me, Alistair, and tell me the truth. Did you know of this plan? If you wanted me to leave, you could just have asked me to."

Alistair sat heavily down in a chair. "I didn't know," he mumbled. "I am not blind, I have seen the hateful glares she sends you. I suppose I have underestimated her determination.”

”Alistair – I...” Hashim choked on his words, he simply didn't know what to say. After a moment of silence, Hashim sighed. ”I would suppose that the First Warden sent a letter for Anora as well. Have you not seen that?”

”No.”

”You asked me once if we were still friends, and I told you yes, but was not able to be true to my word, because what you asked of me was just too much,” Hashim said, lowering himself on his knees at Alistair's feet, looking up at his king. ”I am asking you this once as a friend. Please, Alistair, I need to know why you asked me to stay when the others travelled on.”

Alistair looked down at Hashim, and to the elf's surprise the man hooked a finger around the chain that Hashim wore around his neck, examining it. ”My mothers locket,” Alistair mumbled absentmindedly.

Hashim reached behind his neck and pulled the chain over his head, gingerly placing it in Alistair's hand. ”Thank you for letting me borrow this,” Hashim said. He wanted to smile to seal his lie, but he couldn't meet Alistair's eyes.

”I gave it to you,” Alistair protested with a whisper, running his thumb over the silver locket. ”It belongs to you.”

Hashim shook his head. ”It is yours. And it is time I gave it back.” He dared a look up at Alistair, who looked as if he were trying to will his face to not give away any of the emotions that were just under the surface.

”It was a gift, you can't just give it back,” Alistair argued in an oddly childish tone.

”Same was true about my heart,” Hashim said softly, resting his arms on Alistair's knees for a moment before rising to his feet. ”Besides, why would I have need for your mothers locket where I am going?”

”To remind you of me,” Alistair said looking absolutely miserable.

”I don't need some locket to remember you.” Hashim said truthfully, ”And I spoke the truth back then; you will be a magnificent ruler, the sort of king that goes down in history.” He smiled, ”For your achievements, not your secrets.”

”If you knew what I would give for fighting at your side instead of this... then...” Alistair said following Hashim's flight to the window with his eyes.

Hashim looked out at the sunset over Denerim. ”I'll inform Warden Thorn that we will leave tomorrow.” He turned a little and looked over his shoulder at Alistair in the chair. ”It's not like we won't ever meet again. As the Arl of Amaranthine I am sure I'd find an invitation to the celebration of your firstborn.”

”Must you be so cruel?” Alistair asked as he rose to his feet, handing the papers back to Hashim.

”Yes,” Hashim admitted. ”I have mourned for too long; I can't cry anymore. I have no tears left.”

”You cried?” Alistair asked dumbstruck.

”I did,” Hashim admitted. ”I loved you. I would have laid down my life for you.” He took a deep breath. ”But I suppose Leiliana is right. There will always be a war to fight, and I will always have something else to kill, even if the only one I want to kill is you.”

Alistair took a step back, ”You want to kill me? Surely you can't mean that, Hashim.”

”Oh, you remembered my name. Impressive,” Hashim spat, and turned around, his back against the window, facing Alistair. ”I don't want to kill you. I want to hold you and love you, I want to hear you promise me forever. But I know that I will never have that, so I have to bury my love for you, and kill it over and over again. I wish... I wish I had never let you know that I found you handsome, and I wish that I had listened when you told me it would only end in heartbreak.” Hashim closed his eyes for a long moment. ”Because you -did- warn me, I just never in my wildest dreams thought that anything could come between us.”

Alistair looked away with a sigh. ”I did what I had to, for Ferelden. You know I didn't want it.”

”I do,” Hashim said softly. ”But none of that matters now.”

”No,” Alistair admitted and cleared his throat. ”Is there anything you need for your travels?”

”A horse would be wonderful.”

”A horse you shall have,” Alistair said stepping closer to Hashim, placing a hand on the elf's shoulder. ”What about your brother?”

”I set him up, you need not worry about him.” Hashim said squirming a little under Alistair's touch. Hashim turned his head and looked directly into Alistair's eyes. ”I guess this is goodbye then.”

”I guess it is.”

”We had a good run, didn't we?” Alistair asked softly.

Hashim didn't answer, he just grabbed Alistair and pulled him down for a kiss, it was a sad kiss, but a kiss that neither of them wanted to end, and yet it ended too fast, leaving them both flushed and breathing heavily. Just standing there, staring at eachother for a long silent moment, as were they both trying to process what happened. That too ended as Hashim raised to his toes and kissed Alistair once more, but this time it was a chaste brotherly kiss. ”Goodbye, Alistair,” he said, and then swiftly exited the room.

~*~

That night Hashim tossed and turned, but his sleep was troubled and nightmares woke him every hour. He grabbed his chest, only to be reminded that he had given the locket back, so he couldn't use that to soothe himself anymore.

~*~

There had been a horse as promised, and both wardens had gotten on it. It was a far cry from the mighty Griffons of the past, but it was better than walking to Amaranthine. Hashim didn't look over his shoulder as they left. He knew no one would be there.


	4. Nathaniel

Hashim had not had long to get used to being the Arl of Amaranthine. Day in and day out he would have to deal with the nobility versus the peasant population. His council was equally in deadlock, and some nights he was so tired it felt like climbing the highest mountain to get to the top of the stairs and his own room. 

It was a paradox that he wasn't even bothered to think about, that sometimes the only one who made sense was the rogue mage he had picked up as he arrived here. He had protected him against the Templars, and Anders had stayed by his side, offering council and drinking matches with Oghren. All in all he was a decent type guy, Hashim mused. 

As if thinking of the blond troublesome mage had summoned him, Hashim saw the classical profile waiting for him at the top of the stairs. He just hoped it was not more demands. If he as much as asked for a glass of water, Hashim would break down crying like a little child. "You look like you've been dragged through the Deadmarches backwards and forwards, three times," Anders said with a worried little smile.

"I feel like it," Hashim sighed, leaning on the banister. "I could sleep for a week." He shook his head. "I wish those fools could deal with their own trash, and not dump it on me." 

"I don't envy you that part, that is for sure," Anders said, holding out a friendly hand to Hashim. "I have to tell you something, I have tried all day to get to talk to you." 

Hashim let out a pained sigh. "All right, what is it?" He walked past Anders' outstretched hand, and straight towards his room. "Whatever you want, it's yours, just let me sleep." He dismissed the other mage with a weak wave of his hand.

"The guards arrested an assassin. He was out for your blood, Surana," Anders said in all seriousness, watching as Hashim stopped dead in the doorframe and turned to face him.

"An assassin out for my blood? An elf perhaps?" Hashim said, not sure if he trusted his own ears.

"No," Anders shook his head. "Quite human. But he refuses to talk to anyone but you." 

"Really? So I have a prisoner who wants me dead, and makes demands? Interesting." Hashim laughed, "At least it's something other than who stole who's farmland, or who is the father of some noble brat’s lovechild." He shook his head. "I will deal with it first thing tomorrow," Hashim promised. "I don't think I can make it downstairs without fainting." He grinned to take the sting out of his joke. His headache was handicapping him to the point where he wasn't sure it was a joke. 

"I can fetch you a draught." 

"I don't trust any draughts, no matter who made them." Hashim smiled secretively, "A friend taught me always to be wary." 

"Sounds like a paranoid sod, if you ask me." Anders threw his hands up in the air and turned towards his own bedroom. 

Hashim chuckled. "A little paranoia is healthy." And closed the door in Anders' face. 

~*~

Of course he had been delayed that morning. He was terrible curious as to whom the mysterious prisoner was, and the guards didn't tell him anything that he didn't already know. Still it was well past noon before he made it down into the dungeon. He was shown to a cell where a black clad man was propped up against the wall. "I am Warden Hashim Surana, Arl of Amaranthine," he said, hoping it didn't really sound as posh as it did to his own ears.

"Are you now?" the prisoner asked sourly.

"One and only," Hashim said, stepping closer to the door that kept them apart. "You don't believe me?" 

The prisoner's steely blue eyes stared directly at Hashim. "I had just not expected you to..." 

"Be so short?" Hashim said. "Or be an elf, perhaps?" He shook his head, ashamed that the world was still full of people who had a hard time imagining elves as anything but in someone’s servitude. 

"No," the prisoner said, "To come this fast." 

"Oh." Hashim smiled at his own mistake. "Well, I'm here now. Tell me why you are here, who sent you? Who -" 

"No one sent me," the prisoner said as he stood to his feet, "You wronged me, I lost everything, my family, my title, my wealth. You are to blame, and so I came to set things straight." 

Hashim raised a brow. "Can't make an omelet without breaking an egg." 

"What?" the prisoner gasped outraged.

"I mean that I might have wronged you, but it was not on purpose." Hashim shrugged, looking up at the prisoner’s face as he stepped into the light at the door. "You could have tried talking to me before deciding to make an attempt on my life." 

"You killed my father, and stripped my sister and me of everything we had." The prisoner shook his head sadly, "My mother is hiding out in shame. We should not be ashamed, we should be proud to be Howes. That name used to mean something before you killed my beloved father, and dragged our name through the dirt." 

Hashim's eyes widened in surprise. "You are Arl Howe's son?" 

"I am," the prisoner said. "My name is Nathaniel Howe, and the only thing I regret more than you killing my father, is that I was abroad and was not told of this until it was too late." 

"Your father was a murderer," Hashim just said. "He deserved his fate." 

"Liar." Nathaniel raged, hitting the iron bars of his cell. "King Alistair needed him gone so he wouldn't speak up against him at the Landsmeet! And you did his dirty work like the good little lapdog you are." 

"I saw your father's cruel handiwork first hand," Hashim said, crossing his arms. For a moment there was a tense silence, until Hashim looked up at Nathaniel again. "I could have you hung, actually my counselors thinks that is what I should do. Show an example of what happens to fools like you." He narrowed his eyes, "I, on the other hand, have no desire to hang anyone. Tell me, little Howe, is there anything you 'can' do?" 

"How dare you?" Nathaniel spat angrily, but the venom had faded a little. 

Hashim, on the other hand, smiled and looked amused. "The man whose honour you think you are defending had no honour." He held out his hand and a blue flame erupted from his palm. Surana closed his hand again and killed the flame. "But like all mages aren't abominations, then maybe all Howes are not bastards." 

"I'm good with a bow," Nathaniel sighed, but held his head high to salvage the last of his pride.

"Alright then." Hashim smiled, "If I let you out of here, will you let me prove to you that your father was not the man you thought him to be?" 

Now it was Nathaniel's turn to be confused. "I suppose so, yes…" 

Hashim gestured to the guards to open the cell. One guard watched nervously as the door swung open. "Do you think that is wise, my Lord?" 

"Don't know," Hashim said and deliberately turned his back to Nathaniel. "Time will just have to tell, won't it?" 

~*~

Some two months later, a letter came by courier. Hashim had read it over and over, put it away, picked it up again and read it over. It was an invitation to a week-long festival for the newborn prince. Funny how this brought up all the anger and resentment that he might have felt back when Alistair had left him behind. Maybe he should just feel privileged to be invited at all. He was quite sure that it was Alistair's design, not the queen’s. 

For the remainder of the day, Hashim was deep in thought, trying to figure out how to deal with the invitation. He would have to go; there was no doubt about that. This was not a request. He was sure that it had bugged the queen to no end that his title alone would land him a chair at their table. "My Lord?" Varel elbowed him, bringing him back from his thoughts. He blinked and focused on the two angry noblewomen in front of him, both accusing the other of their marriage to the same man to be fake. "Ladies, ladies..." Hashim stood and waved his hand dismissively, "I am sorry, but..." He didn't know how to explain, so he just said, "I am terribly tired, there have been many things that have required my attention lately." They looked annoyed but not enraged, so Hashim smiled. "Please, good people, come back tomorrow. I promise I will listen to everyone after I have had some sleep." 

"He does look worn," a nobleman whispered.

"I am telling you the king was wrong to give the title to an elf, their health is..." 

"Watch your tongue, Ser," Nathaniel barked as he walked past the exiting nobles while carrying a large fawn over his shoulder, closely followed by Velanna and Oghren. 

"Ser Howe, forgive me," the noble hurriedly muttered as he fled the keep.

"Surana!" Nathaniel beamed, making Hashim stop mid-step on the stairs to his bedroom. 

Hashim turned around and looked down at the small hunting party and their prize. "That looks like a magnificent feast indeed." He grinned, walking down the stairs again. 

"Too bad you weren't with us," Velanna said, noting the dark circles under the mage's eyes.

"Oh!" Nathaniel said with a lopsided grin, "You could have killed it with a fireball and we could have eaten it on the spot, cooked and all." 

Oghren rolled his eyes and walked off. 

Hashim laughed at Nathaniel's folly. "I would just have burned it to a crisp." He then smiled at Velanna, "But I would have loved to have been there. Anything would have been better than this." He nodded towards the Arl's seat. 

"Amaranthine is a hard mistress." Nathaniel said with an unreadable expression on his face, and pulled the fawn up over his shoulder again. "I will take this to the kitchen," he mumbled and left.

"Ouch." Hashim sighed, and looked over at Velanna. "I didn't mean it that way." He ran a hand through his short hair. "It was terrible insensitive of me, wasn't it?" 

"Very poor taste, yes," Velanna admitted.

Hashim shrugged. "I will just have to talk to him tonight." 

Velanna reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Something is amiss; you look tired and unfocused." She licked her lips nervously, not sure if city elves and Dalish would solve this the same way. "There is a holy grove not far from here where the Dalish - "

"No." Hashim shook his head, paused and placed his hand on top of Velanna's. "It is kind of you, but I am not Dalish." He smiled sadly, hoping she would understand.

"Very well, but if you need me, you know where to find me." 

~*~

Dinner was pleasant; the meat was perfect and the wine went straight to Hashim's head. He sat at the end of the table and watched the others talk and laugh. Strangely, he missed Morrigan, Zevran and Wynne. Hells, he even missed Leiliana and Sten. 

"A copper for your thought," Sigrun said, filling Hashim's glass again. 

Hashim smiled at the dwarf. "Just missing old friends, wishing they were here amongst new ones." 

"Who made you so sad?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm not sad, just - "

"Your sadness is like a shroud; you fool no one." Sigrun shook her head slightly, amused at Surana's stupidity. 

Hashim looked up over the table, all chatter had stopped and they all looked at him, waiting for an answer. "I... It's... " He took a deep breath, and emptied his glass in one go. "I received an invitation to the festivities for the newborn prince." 

"But that is good, right?" Anders asked, confused.

"It is. I am glad that King Alistair got himself an heir," Hashim said, feeling his heart sink as the lie burned his lips. 

"Surana..." Oghren said rolling a thread of his beard around his finger. 

"What good would it do, Oghren?" Hashim asked, deflated.

Oghren looked thoughtful, and then burped. Turning to Surana's end of the table, he looked directly at the slender elf, "These folks would follow you to death, and you don't think they deserve to know why this upsets you? By the stone elf! If you don't tell them, I will." 

"Very well." Hashim held his hands up as he surrendered to telling the tale. "I am only telling you this because I don't trust Oghren's version," he said with a little laugh, hoping to take some tension out of the situation. "Years ago, before King Alistair was king, he was a warden like me. We were best friends, battle brothers for a long time. I pushed him to claim the throne as the only rightful heir left, believing it was his calling. He chose to embrace his calling and married queen Anora, and sent me here." He shrugged, "That is the short version." 

"You know the king?" Anders asked unable to hide his surprise.

"Knew," Hashim corrected him gently, ignoring the dirty look that Oghren shot him. But Hashim honestly didn't see what good knowing the whole truth would do the others. "Anyway, we might not have parted as friends, and I just worry... that's all." He smiled his most charming smile. 

"What gift are you going to bring?" Velanna asked.

Hashim shrugged, "I don't know what to gift a baby." 

"A mabari." Nathaniel said thoughtfully. 

"You could be right." Hashim smiled at the dark-haired man. "That is a good idea." 

~*~

Four exhausting days later, the servants of Vigil's keep was making the last arrangements for their Lord's travel to the city of Denerim. Hashim held up his dragon-scaled breast plate with the grey warden crest in the middle. It had been so long since he had worn it, but the road to the city was far from safe, even with the threat of the Blight gone. He didn't understand how feelings he had buried so deeply would surface like this. It was as if he had no control of it. He couldn't help but feel every bit as sorrowful as he had when Alistair had chosen Anora over him. Zevran had been a delightful distraction, but not a permanent solution. He wondered if the assassin would be invited, and if so, if he would come.

Hashim turned on his heels, away from his own mirror image and walked out into the hall, still clasping the straps to his chest piece. Stopping in front of Nathaniel's door, he raised a hand to knock, paused, thought about if this was a good idea at all, and then knocked. 

Nathaniel opened, surprised to find Hashim out in the hall this early in the morning. "Warden Commander." 

Hashim smiled, "Warden." 

"I'll never get used to that." Nathaniel shook his head, swinging the door open, leaning on the door frame casually. "What can I do for you?" 

Hashim took a deep breath, "You could accompany me to the royal festival." 

"What?" 

"You could -" 

"I heard you, it's just..." Nathaniel looked puzzled, "Why me?" 

"I figured that you could do with a trip," Hashim lied with a smile. Truth was that he had to admit to himself that he really wanted Nathaniel to come with him.

"Won't that just look odd?" Nathaniel asked, "Point one I'm a Howe, point two I'm a man. Why don't you ask Velanna?" 

"Point three, we are both wardens." 

Nathaniel nodded. "True." He paused, "On one condition though." 

"Name it." 

"You tell me the truth." Nathaniel narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why did the king and you part with bad blood?" 

Hashim sighed, "Very well, I will tell you. But not here, and not now. I will tell you all you want to know once we are on the road." 

"That is acceptable," Nathaniel nodded.

~*~

"So." Nathaniel said, leaned up against a tree log, cradling a cup of wine. "I believe that you have a story to tell." He winked in a good-humored way.

Hashim nodded, filling his own cup. He looked up at the moon, it would be full soon. "Alistair was more than my battle brother," he admitted with a sad tone."Once we were lovers, and I thought that it would be like that forever, but Andraste herself had other ideas." He looked down at the ground between his feet, idly running a finger over the brim of his cup. "And that is all there is to that. I just thought it would be pointless for it to be common knowledge." 

Nathaniel shrugged. "He needed a queen, he needed an heir. You might be slayer of the Archdemon, but you have yet to sprout a womb." 

"I know that," Hashim barked angrily. "Don't you think I told myself that? That I should not be angry because his choice was that of duty." He looked up at Nathaniel, "I just can't, and I don't know why." 

Nathaniel smiled. "When I first heard that Warden Commander Surana was the one responsible for my father’s untimely demise, I set out to kill the culprit." He studied Hashim's surprised expression as he spoke. "I thought you had killed him for power, or maybe for spite, because I loved him dearly and he had always been a good father to me and my sister." Hashim opened his mouth to speak, but Nathaniel cut him off with an impatient gesture. "As I sat in that cell, your proposition made sense, and I accepted your challenge. I was so sure that nothing you could do would make me change my mind." Nathaniel paused. "I was wrong," he admitted with a slight drawl. "I know now that you killed my father out of duty. He was a monster, and was deserving of his end. Now I find that I can't hate you anymore. Things are just not as black and white as I thought. I might have set out to end your life in anger, but you saved mine! You gave me a new purpose as a Grey Warden, you let me restore my name for myself, gave me a home and accepted me into your circle of friends. So tell me, after all this, should I still bear a grudge?" 

Hashim just sat and stared at the man, feeling humbled. He smiled, embarrassed, knowing that Nathaniel was right. "No," he answered hesitantly. "But Alistair is not a monster, he is just… I guess I feel betrayed, and I know it's childish of me, but - Actually there is a reason I brought you a long on this trip. See, I have one more confession to make; lately I have been thinking that maybe I should leave here and aim for the Deep Roads. There are others who are more competent at running the Arldom than me." He held up his cup and toasted towards Nathaniel, "Like you, little Howe." 

"What? No," Nathaniel said, shaking his head.

"Don't you want your title back? The land belongs to the king, but still it's something," Hashim nodded.

"It's not that." Nathaniel said, "It's what you said before that. The part about the Deep Roads." He shook his head again. "I wanted the Howe name restored, but - not like this." 

Hashim wasn't sure he understood, and just took a sip of his wine. "I would make sure it was all yours. I am sure Alistair won't argue." 

"Surana... " Nathaniel sighed. "Are you even listening to what I am saying, or are you going to continue to act like a petulant teenager?" 

"No, you don't understand!" Hashim got up from where he had been seated and started to pace, "Every time I see him, I recall the promises he made, I remember a time when everything was us against them, where nothing was ruined by politics. The hardest thing I ever did was to watch him receive his crown with -her- at his side." His pacing picked up speed. "It should have been me, Nathaniel, me! Not because I want fame and glory, but because I belonged there. I was his love, not her! I could hear the pain in his voice, and I could see it in his eyes as I left for Vigils Keep. He still loved me." Hashim ran a hand over his face, "And now he hates me more than anything else, because I am the one who pushed him to claim the crown, which I felt was rightfully his. I doomed us, and most of all him with those words. He will never forgive me." He stopped and looked up at the moon again, "And I don't think I can ever forgive myself, either. I tried to end it with killing the Archdemon, but something was off and I survived even if I shouldn't have. Not that I understand it, but I did, and some like my brother would see that as a gift from Andraste, but I don't. It's a curse, Nathaniel! I am so tired - I need this ache to go away."

Nathaniel just sat and looked at the Warden Commander. "Maybe it is a gift, and maybe you can only erase the old with the new?" He smiled softly. "At least that is what my mother always said." 

"Are you seriously sitting there telling me that I need to just pull myself up and get on with it?" Hashim asked, surprised, not sure if he should laugh or cry.

"Yes," Nathaniel said in all honesty. "I have heard the way Anders speaks of you, and noticed the way he steals glances at you, maybe you should..." 

"Surely you are making fun of me now." Hashim felt an insane laughter bubble up through his chest.

"Absolutely not," Nathaniel said.

Hashim looked at Nathaniel in the light of the flames from their fireplace. "I do like them blond and idealistic," he mumbled, and then burst out laughing. It felt good. He hadn't laughed like this in a very long time. "Just kidding! Anders is a good friend and all, but no." Hashim shook his head, amused.

~*~

"It's going to be fine," Nathaniel whispered as they rode into the city, which was decorated for the festivities. 

Hashim nodded, smiling at the city-dwellers who greeted him. He was a bit surprised that they hadn't forgotten who he was. It seemed to Hashim that they had barely made it through the city gates before he was suddenly standing in a room in what used to be Arl Howe's home. "Come on." Nathaniel grabbed his wrist and dragged a surprised Hashim up the stairs and out a window on the second floor. "Would you look at that sight? Does it compare to anything else?" Nathaniel sighed happily as they stood out on the roof of the Arl's house. 

"It is very beautiful," Hashim agreed, looking out over the city's roofs. "Look, you can even see the Venedahl from here!" He pointed at the gnarly tree in the Alienage in the distance.

"Is it really magic?" Nathaniel asked in a childish voice.

"No," Hashim laughed. "It's just a tree, and the Alienage elves use it to fool themselves into being close to their Dalish cousins." 

"Oh." Nathaniel couldn't help but be a little disappointed. "You can see the king’s castle out there." He pointed west.

Hashim nodded. 

"I came here all the time as a child. Vaughan and I could hear the servants and our parents looking for us, but they couldn't find us." He laughed softly. "Only Vaughan and I knew of this place. We never even told Cailan." 

"You knew Cailan?" Hashim asked surprised. 

"Of course." Nathaniel laughed softly. 

"But of course you did." Hashim smiled and chuckled at his own stupidity. He sat down next to Nathaniel and watched the sun as it slowly descended toward the rooftops. "I'm from Denerim too, and I remember seeing the prince and his followers once when I was at the market with my brother. He was dressed in white and gold, looking every bit regal." He smiled at Nathaniel, who just listened. "We didn't come close, of course, but you could see the sun reflected in the gold threads of his clothes." 

"You're from the Alienage?" Nathaniel asked in a little whisper.

"I am." Hashim nodded, "My brother Soris still lives in our old hut with his family." Before Nathaniel could say anything, Hashim spoke again. "I was taken to the tower of magi when I was fairly young, so I didn't grow up here." His voice trailed off to silence.

"Your parents?" 

"Dead," Hashim sighed. "Worked themselves into an early grave for... for… nothing." 

"I'm sorry..." 

"No you're not-" Hashim barked back, anger suddenly rising in his chest. "The Theirins, the Couslands, the Howes... None of you really care. One elf dies, you get another. You don't even care to know their names." He let out a long sigh as he tried to quell his anger. "Both my parents worked here for the Arl of Denerim. Have you ever thought that the servants who were ordered to find you, might have been punished, or maybe even kicked out for not being able to locate you two brats out here?" 

"...No…" Nathaniel whispered, "I didn't know… I mean... I have just never given it thought." 

Hashim turned his head, his eyes sad, but his lips smiling slightly. He knew it was not Nathaniel's fault and really he shouldn't take it out on him. "What was the name of your nanny?" 

"eh... " 

"Your cook? Your stable-boy? Your gardener?" 

"I... I don't know," Nathaniel admitted with a sad sigh. 

"Exactly." Hashim leaned back against the wall and watched the sun. "I was lucky, I was sent away." He paused, fingering the sleeve of his tunic. "I'm sorry, but I hate Denerim. It brings back bad memories." 

"I understand," Nathaniel said softly, falling silent.

"I really am sorry," Hashim finally said. "It's not your fault, I didn't ask you to come with me to toss a giant guilt trip your way." 

Nathaniel licked his lips. He had been dying to ask this question since they left Vigil's keep. "Then why did you bring me?" 

"To ask Alistair to instate you as the Arl of Amaranthine," Hashim said with a sorrowful tone. 

"But I don't want to be the Arl of Amaranthine, that title is yours," Nathaniel said. Treading in deep water, he finally asked, "Is that the only reason?" 

"Yes..." Hashim said hesitantly. "No... maybe.. I don't know. Shit!" He leaned his head back against the wall, looking up into the skies. "Because I thought you'd like to go back to Denerim." He bit his lip. "And I had not for one second thought you didn't want your title back." 

"Oh." Nathaniel felt a tiny stab in his chest. He didn't know where it came from. Why was he slightly disappointed in Surana's motives for picking him? Truth was that when he had spoken of Anders' infatuation, it was not really true. He had only noticed Anders because he himself would turn and secretly look at Hashim, cursing himself when he was caught in the act. He was supposed to hate, or at the most - tolerate the warden commander, his father’s killer. Then why was he sitting here wishing he would scoot closer? He knew he wouldn't, though. Hashim was still too wrapped up in Alistair to notice.

 

~*~

 

The next morning Nathaniel had breakfast with other nobles invited to the festivities. He knew a couple, some he had not seen in years, and most offered condolences on his father’s passing. Others were surprised to find that the rumor that the Howe heir had become a grey warden was actually true. Nathaniel looked around and realised he had not seen Surana since they had gone down from the rooftop last night. He asked if anyone had seen the warden commander, but none knew he was even there. It was like searching for a ghost. 

Hours went by and he began to get slightly nervous that Surana would miss the banquet with the king and queen later. It was past midday when a servant girl who was washing the floors of the entry hall called for him. "Warden Howe," she called, "forgive me, my lord, but I couldn't help but overhear that you were looking for the Warden Commander." She looked away from Nathaniel's curious gaze as he came close. "I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but voices travel in this place." 

Nathaniel smiled, remembering Hashim’s words from yesterday. "What's your name, miss?" he asked. 

The servant girl fell silent. 

Nathaniel realised that she might think that he asked for her name to punish her for speaking out of turn. "Don't worry, miss, I just like to know the names of people I talk to. My name is Nathaniel." He held out his hand to the servant, something he had never done before, and he reckoned that the servant girl would think it just as odd as he. 

"I'm Alima," she said softly, feeling more brave after she shook Nathaniel's hand. She looked up at him. "The Warden Commander left to visit family in the Alienage, but if he is not there, I am sure you can find him in the Chantry." 

"In the Chantry?" 

"Yes my lord." Alima nodded to emphasize her words. "The Warden Commander always spent most his time there, when he still resided here in the city, and I suspect it has not changed." She blinked. "You do not have a Chantry at Vigil's keep?" 

"We do... but..." Nathaniel looked thoughtful, he had never been there, and had no clue if anyone used it at all. They didn't have a Reverend Mother or anything, it was just a room with a statue of Andraste and the holy fire. 

"The Chantry is across the market. You can't miss it, my lord," Alima said. 

"Thanks," Nathaniel said with a smile. "I mean that… Alima." 

The servant girl blushed but bowed slightly and returned to her task.

~*~

Nathaniel went straight to the Chantry, thinking that it would be less awkward than walking down into the Alienage. He pushed the heavy doors slightly open and walked in. There were a lot of people there. It surprised him that it was buzzing with life much like the marketplace. He scanned the room and found Surana seated up in front of the statue of Andraste, while the Reverend Mother spoke to him. Feeling like an intruder, Nathaniel made his way down the rows of benches and chairs to where the warden commander sat. "Surana?" he asked softly.

Both the Reverend Mother and Hashim looked up at Nathaniel, who felt like he had grown horns overnight or something, the way they were looking. "Nathaniel? How did you know where to find me?" 

Nathaniel smiled knowingly. "I asked Alima, one of the servant girls, and she told me you used to come here frequently." 

Hashim’s smile widened and his gaze softened. "Did she now?" He indicated the bench next to him for Nathaniel to sit. 

The Reverend Mother touched Hashim's cheek gently and then walked away. Hashim looked up at Andraste, who towered in front of them. "Sometimes I came here for silence, and sometimes I came here to try and find a reason to the madness. I prayed and prayed, hoping for Andraste or the maker himself to answer me. They never did." He dropped his head and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"I never took you for a religious man," Nathaniel whispered.

"I guess when you're a mage like me, and you see what the veil can spew out, you need a counterpart. You need to believe that there are good forces at play as well." He shrugged. 

"Makes sense," Nathaniel whispered again. "Dare I ask what brought you here today?" 

Hashim nodded, wondering if he should lie, but then to lie to someone at the feet of Andraste, and under the watchful eye of the Maker, would be bad. "Because of Alistair." He sighed. "I have tried for so long to let him go, but no matter what I did, he would haunt my steps." Hashim looked away from Nathaniel. "And because of you." 

"Me?" Nathaniel asked surprised.

"Yes," Hashim said, deflated. "I regret my decision to bring you here. It was selfish and stupid." He dropped his head and rested it on his folded hands on the back of the bench in front of them. "I arranged to stay with my cousin in the Alienage. You should stay at the Arl's castle." 

"But why?" Nathaniel asked, not making heads or tails of Hashim's confession. 

"Because it has to be like that," Hashim hissed angrily. "Just trust me." 

"You know I trust you, I trust you with my life, Surana." Nathaniel said, inching out on the edge of the seat to try and capture the elf's elusive gaze. "If you regret my company, then at least tell me why." 

Hashim sighed sadly. "Because I wanted to kiss you last night. I'm so sorry…" Hashim pulled himself together and sat up looking sorrowfully at Nathaniel. "I know you would not welcome a man's courtship. I have known you for long enough to know that you enjoy the company of women. And under other circumstances it would not be a problem. I have grown quite good at keeping silly things like that to myself. But here, this city... Alistair... I just can't, it's too much. Truth is that I brought you not only to hand you over the Arlship of Amaranthine, but because I really wanted to be in your company." Hashim blushed slightly against his own will, and looked away. "Forgive me." 

"Surana..." 

"No" Hashim barked, raising the glare of the others in the Chantry. "Please just leave, I will stay here and maker will clear my mind of this nonsense." 

"But..." 

"Don't worry; I will be at the banquet." He shot Nathaniel a tiny smile, and turned his head again, and looked up at Andraste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta read by Lisbet.


	5. Vallon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND we're at the end! - Thank you for reading along. Thank you for your likes, subs and kind comments. =)
> 
> Beta: lisbet

Hashim was sure that if he had not worn his warden uniform, he would have been ushered off to the kitchen or the stables. He had noticed how the guards had looked at him as he arrived at the castle. But they let him pass, and he made his way through the castle, walking up the stairs to the King's private living space. He heard voices at the end of the hall. The two guards at the hall just nodded at him, and he nodded back as they let him through. 

He was not exactly sure why he had thought that this had sounded like a good idea, and he desperately wished that he had not told Nathaniel that he was attracted to him. After all, wasn't that what had gotten him into this mess to begin with? That he had told Alistair that he thought he was handsome? When would he learn to keep these trivial things to himself? Why couldn't he ever have an uncomplicated relationship to someone like Zevran? He seemed to breeze through situations unharmed. Hashim took a deep breath and knocked on the frame of the open door. 

Anora, Alistair and some nobles he wasn't sure who was, turned around and stared at him. He felt like a horse in a pottery stall, with him in his armor, and everyone else in beautiful garments. "My queen." He bowed slightly. "My king." He bowed again. 

"Surana!" Alistair cheered like an excited boy and hurried to the door where Hashim stood. Alistair stopped dead a meter from the mage, and smiled brilliantly. "I'm glad you made it, warden commander." 

"But of course, your majesty," Hashim said, smiling a tiny bloodless smile. 

"Come, meet my son." Alistair took Hashim's arm and dragged him to where the others stood. 

Hashim looked down into the crib. The most astounding blue eyes looked up at him, before the baby gave him toothless grin. Hashim smiled and took his gauntlet off. His hand hovered over the baby and then he suddenly realised he had forgotten his place. He looked over at Anora. "May I?" 

Anora nodded.

Hashim placed his hand on the baby's stomach, grinning as tiny hands grabbed his thumb. "Hello there, my prince." 

"His name is Vallon," Alistair said, smiling at Hashim who was completely focused on the baby. 

"Excuse me; I have to make the last arrangements." Anora kissed Alistair and left the room with the other nobles. Alistair wasn't entirely sure if she trusted him, or was testing him. Alistair looked back at Hashim, who was still cooing at the baby. "You can pick him up if you wish." 

Hashim picked the baby up carefully, tucking the blanket around him so the baby wouldn't be in direct contact with the cold steel of his armor. "He is… perfect." Hashim looked up at Alistair, and to Alistair’s surprise, Hashim had tears in his eyes. 

"Hashim…" Alistair said softly, wiping a tear away from Hashim's cheek. 

"You have a family now, Alistair." Hashim looked briefly up at Alistair and then back at Vallon. 

"I know," Alistair said, caressing Vallon's head. "It's humbling." 

"Indeed," Hashim said. "Maker, he is a tiny, delicate thing." 

"It suits you," Alistair said with a loving smile, which just made Hashim look up in alarm, and instantly hold out Vallon to his father. "What?" Alistair said in a near whisper.

"Please take your son." 

"First tell me why you're suddenly upset," Alistair demanded.

Hashim cradled the baby back against his plated chest. "Why must you be so cruel?" 

"It was not my intention," Alistair said, saddened. "Perhaps it would be in poor taste to ask you how you are?" 

"I…" Hashim bit his lip and looked back at Vallon. "I came here early for the festivities to ask a favour of my king." 

Alistair didn't answer. He just stood with his arms crossed and looked at Hashim with his son, wondering why Surana looked so small and fragile. If you stripped him of his armor he would look like any other malnourished elf in the castle. Surana used to be bigger than life. 

"I wish to resign from my duties as the Arl of Amaranthine." Hashim didn't look up at Alistair. "And it is my wish that the title go to Nathaniel Howe. He earned it, and will make you a better Arl than me." 

"Nathaniel?" Alistair blinked, confused, not even sure where Hashim and Nathaniel would have met. "I am not sure that -” 

"Nathaniel is a warden now, just like - me." Hashim said, more to the baby than to Alistair, "So there would be no change in the purpose of the Arldom." 

Alistair couldn't have been more surprised if he had tried. "Nathaniel has never lifted anything heavier than a bottle in his life, and you are telling me he is a warden?" 

"Yes," Hashim said. "He is a good man, and every bit a better candidate for the Arlhood than I ever was." 

"You do realise who his father -” 

"I know," Hashim said. "But he is not his father." 

Alistair nodded. "But what of you?" 

"I will... venture to the deep roads." Hashim smiled at Vallon as the baby smiled back at him. "Yes I will," he cooed to the baby.

"But... that is - " Alistair placed a hand on Hashim's shoulder. "Have you already heard the calling? That makes no sense." 

"I haven't, no," Hashim admitted. "But I - don't make me explain this, Alistair." He looked up at the king briefly. "Will you consider my request, or not?"

"Absolutely not," Alistair said, with a hardness to his voice that Hashim had not heard in years. 

"Very well." Hashim nodded and took a deep breath. "Thank you for hearing me out, my king," he added flatly. 

"I thought you and I would leave the surface together," Alistair said a little childishly, which made Hashim look up in surprise. "What? You don't want to be my battle brother anymore? "

"Of course I do," Hashim said, studying Alistair.

"Let us make an oath," Alistair said with a whisper. "When one of us hears the calling, the other will follow, whether they hear it too or not. For our final glory, and death." 

Hashim nodded. "I swear." 

"I would go with you now, were it not for my son. Surely you understand that," Alistair said.

Looking down at the child who had now closed his eyes and was sleeping in his arms, Hashim whispered back, "I do." 

"There you are!" Nathaniel laughed, relieved, as he tore around the corner and through the open door, seeing Hashim standing with Vallon. "My King." He bowed to Alistair. "Forgive me for the intrusion, I was just looking for," he paused to catch his breath, "the warden Commander." 

"Nathaniel." Alistair smiled widely, and waved him into the room. "We were just talking about you. What a funny coincidence that you are here." 

"You were?" Nathaniel walked over to the two men. He laughed nervously. "About something nice, I hope." 

"Alistair!" Hashim hushed the king with his harsh tone. 

"It was quite nice actually... yes, nice would be the word which I would use to describe it," Alistair said with a slight grin.

Hashim ignored him, and gently placed the baby back in his crib. "It was good to have a chance to talk to you, Alistair," he said softly. "And congratulations on your son. He is beautiful." 

"Thank you," Alistair said, watching Hashim and Nathaniel. "I am glad you both made it." 

"Wouldn't have missed it for anything," Nathaniel said with a measured smile that only a noble could pull off. 

"We should leave," Hashim said, looking up at Nathaniel swiftly, and then back at Alistair. "We will see you later, and hopefully we will have time to speak again, before we leave." Hashim backed to the door and bowed. Nathaniel followed him closely. 

Alistair stood back in the room, not sure what he should make of all this.

~*~

"Surana, tell me the truth," Nathaniel said as they walked down to the castle gardens, waiting for the festivities to start. "Did you seek out Alistair to be relieved of your duties?" 

"How…" Hashim looked up at Nathaniel in surprise.

"Because I know how your mind works, by now," Nathaniel laughed mirthlessly. "So, did you?" 

"I did," Hashim mumbled, blushing slightly, ashamed of himself. "You need not worry, he rejected me." 

Nathaniel nodded in understanding. "I see." 

"What do you see?" Hashim barked.

"Is that how you deal with things in the Alienage?" Nathaniel asked, casually sitting down on a stone bench on the outskirts of the royal garden. When Hashim didn't answer, and didn't sit down either, Nathaniel continued. "Do you really make declarations of love that easily, and then try to run? If so, it's a miracle that your species even exists." 

"I - " Hashim choked on his words, and finally sat down gingerly next to Nathaniel. "I shouldn't have told you, none of it - I'm sorry." 

"For what?" Nathaniel asked with a little smile. "For finding me irresistible?" 

Hashim looked up at Nathaniel with anger written across his face. When Nathaniel laughed, Hashim didn't move a muscle. 

"Honestly," Nathaniel said, as his laughter died down. "You never let me answer you back in the chantry. Was that because you were afraid of the answer, or because you didn't want to hear it, so you could nest comfortably in your cocoon of martyrdom?" 

"I... " Hashim was a loss for words again, which annoyed him to no end. He hated not knowing what to say. "I guess a little of both." 

Nathaniel leaned back against the back of the bench. "When you invited me to come along with you here, I hoped it was because you wanted to be alone with me. I was pretty hurt to find out that it was just so I could inherit your title." 

Hashim hung his head. "I can't do anything right when it comes to matters of love, can I?" 

"If this is your normal procedure, then no." Nathaniel said, testing grounds as he wrapped an arm around Hashim's shoulders, pulling him close. 

"I wanted to give you a gift. I thought I was giving you what you always wanted." Hashim eased against Nathaniel, resting his head on the man's shoulder. 

"A year ago, that would have been true," Nathaniel said, and then turned his head and whispered, "Back then I would have wanted your head on a silver platter, too, but now I would much rather have you under the covers with me." 

Hashim flushed red hearing the suggestion. "Oh." 

Nathaniel actually laughed.

"Stop making light of it." Hashim pushed away from Nathaniel, and got to his feet. "Maker, I wish I could take those words back." 

"I wasn't making light, I was laughing at your blush. Surely you have heard words like that before." Nathaniel looked up at Hashim, holding out his hand to the Warden Commander in a peace offering. But Hashim was having nothing of it, and crossed his arms over his chest, just about to deliver some hard words. Just then, Nathaniel smiled sweetly. "Can I have your permission to woo you?" 

"What?" 

"Allow me to woo you," Nathaniel repeated, his gaze steady and confident.

"Absolutely not! That is preposterous! You don't woo men, you woo women." Hashim's lips thinned into an angry white line. "I am not a woman." 

"I noticed," Nathaniel said with a shrug, not letting Surana beat him down that easily. "And I don't see why you can't woo a man." 

"You are mad! I don't need help with getting on my horse, and I’m not in need of trinkets from the market," Hashim argued, even if some of his anger had left his words.

"Are you sure?" Nathaniel asked with a little sly grin. "Humor me, then, and let me entice you for a fortnight." 

Hashim looked a little bothered, and actually turned around and looked out over the garden and the elven servants setting up the feast. "Do you really mean that?" he asked, feeling ridiculously vulnerable, but he needed to know. 

"Yes." 

"All right." Hashim turned around to look at Nathaniel again, giving him a shy little smile. 

"All right, what?" Nathaniel asked, reaching for Hashim.

Hashim snatched his hand back as soon as he felt Nathaniel touch it. "All right, you can court me." Hashim blushed again and laughed nervously. He clasped his hands on the small of his back, and cleared his throat. "Are you sure you don't just want to go find a quiet place to fuck?" 

Nathaniel paled and flushed and then shook his head. "Of course, anything else would be a lie." He said licking his lips nervously. "But what will happen afterwards?" 

"Well, nothing really, unless maybe we feel like doing it again some time." Hashim shrugged, "Nothing wrong with admitting to having urges of a natural order." 

"Is that all?" Nathaniel asked. "You think it's just sexual tension?" 

"Maybe…" Hashim dragged his words, not sure what to say. "I don't know... Look…" He looked seriously at Nathaniel. "I have no reason whatsoever to think it anything else. But as I said, we can fool around until something better comes along on your dance card. That is all right." He smiled a brilliant smile at his seated companion, holding out a hand to Nathaniel. "Come on, then." Nathaniel didn't take the outstretched hand, and gradually Hashim let it fall, until it hung limply at his side. He didn't know what to say, and fidgeted with a clasp on his breastplate. "I shouldn't have said that either, Maker..." He looked up into the sky. "I keep getting this wrong." He took a deep breath and bowed lightly to Nathaniel. "We can talk later at the feast. Hopefully it shall be less - awkward." He turned and started walking away from the corner of the royal garden, the bench, and Nathaniel. 

"You really think that little of yourself?" Nathaniel called after him. 

Hashim didn't stop. He kept walking toward the gates; he had had enough of making a giant idiot out of himself. He had entertained the idea of Nathaniel courting him for a second. It sounded nice. He smiled as he walked, imagining Nathaniel bringing him flowers and lifting him down from his horse. He had scoffed out loud at the very idea, but he had to admit that he secretly would love it. He would absolutely love the attention. He would, of course, always deny it, but he would soak it up like a sponge. But he knew better. Nathaniel was a Howe, he was a noble, and no matter how many Archdemons he slayed, he would still just be Hashim from the Denerim Alienage. Not someone you would parade off as your lover at social gatherings with other nobility. The people of Amaranthine had accepted him because their king said so, but he heard the muttering in the corners. 

"Brother!" 

Hashim looked up and saw Soris come down toward the castle with his wagon, sweating under the heavy load. "Soris," he smiled and walked over to him. "Stop." 

Soris stopped and put down the wagon's handles on the ground. "I said I would have this at the feast as fast as possible, Hashim. I don't have time to stand here." 

"Let me help you, then." 

Soris looked surprised as his brother unclasped his breast plate and tossed his weapons into the back of the cart. "Okay," Soris muttered as Hashim lifted one of the handles off the ground, and Soris picked up the other. "You do realise that we’re building a stage, right?" 

Hashim laughed. "I don't know the first thing about carpentry." 

"You don't have to, to do what we're going to do," Soris laughed. 

~*~

It was warm. Hashim wiped his forehead in his sleeve as he and Soris built the stage. He was glad that he had happened onto his brother when he did, otherwise Soris would either have built this alone, or would have had to find help amongst the other elves at the castle. "Soris, hand me some nails, would you?" Hashim asked, while he pulled his shirt off and tossing it aside. Soris handed him a handful from his utility belt, and Hashim was just about to start on the left side of the stage as he saw a shadow in the grass behind him. He looked up over his shoulder. "Nathaniel, what are you doing here?" he asked, eyeing Soris who looked very focused on his own work. 

"What are you doing, Surana?" Nathaniel asked, puzzled.

"I'm building a stage with my brother," Hashim answered acidly.

"Oh." Nathaniel chewed his lip. "Need more help?" 

Soris almost disappeared behind the low wooden crate they were building. Hashim stopped hammering and turned around, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand. He smiled. "Would you get us something to drink?" 

"Of course," Nathaniel said, smiling back. At least it was a task he knew how to do. He felt like he should offer his help, but he was not much use with manual labour. 

"Are you crazy?" Soris whispered as soon as Nathaniel was gone.

"Maybe," Hashim grinned, "but I still outrank him." 

"I swear..." Soris mumbled something into his arm as he continued working.

Soon after, Nathaniel came back with a pitcher and two glasses. He filled one and handed it to Soris, who took it hesitantly, and then he filled one for Hashim and sat down and handed it to him. He held it a little longer than necessary and looked Hashim directly in the eyes. "You walked out on me earlier, again. It's a very rude habit you have there, Surana." He smiled sweetly. "Still, would you attend this party with me?" 

Hashim looked down into the cold water. "I invited you to come, didn't I?" 

Nathaniel shook his head, placing a long-fingered hand on Hashim's thigh. "I mean will you attend this party as my escort?" 

"A date?" Hashim coughed. "I... we shouldn't... what if..." 

"Just answer me," Nathaniel said softly, not moving his hand an inch. "I would love to attend to this party with you as my companion." 

Hashim looked over at Soris, who smiled like an idiot. "What are you smiling at?" he barked at his brother.

"You." Soris laughed, "You're still as dumb as ever." 

"You little.." Hashim tossed his water at Soris, which just made his brother laugh harder. 

"Hashim." Nathaniel said with an amused smile. "Answer me." 

"I - I.." 

Nathaniel nodded sadly, "I understand." He stood up and brushed the grass off his knees with annoyed swipes of his hands.

"Wait." Hashim could hardly believe he was doing this. "I would love to." He smiled a little shy boyish smile up at the figure in the sun.

"That is... " Nathaniel raked a hand through his hair. "Where do you want to meet?" 

Hashim looked over at Soris again, who was still chuckling. "At my brother’s hut. I’m going to help him get home with this cart when we're done. You can come there." 

"In the Alienage?" Nathaniel asked, knowing his voice would give his shock away. 

"In the Alienage," Hashim confirmed. "It's the third hut on your left when you enter through the city gate down at the market." 

"See you there," Nathaniel said, trying to sound chipper. "In about three hours?" 

"Absolutely." Hashim smiled again before he returned to his work.

"I take it back," Soris whispered after Nathaniel had left. "You’re not mad. You’re stark raving mental! A Howe? It's fine that you want to share his bed, but why bring him to the Alienage?" 

"He won't come," Hashim shook his head. "I know how that place makes him feel. He's a noble, Soris." 

Soris leaned in over the stage frame, and grabbed his brother’s arm. "Sorry to tell you this, little brother, but so was Alistair. And still you cried plenty of tears over his betrayal." 

"Exactly," Hashim spat, pulling his arm back. "Why should Nathaniel be any different?" 

Soris shrugged. "I don't know. And neither will you if you don't try it out." 

Hashim nodded. "True." He picked up the nails and hammer again. "So you think he's going to come?" 

Laughing, Soris nodded. "Judging from the way he looked at you - with bells on!" 

"Oh dear," Hashim whispered, mortified.

 

~*~

Hashim tried his hardest not to think too much about it. He leaned up against the Vhenedal and helped his cousin’s daughter, Alwa, braid her hair. She was chattering on about how beautiful the queen Anora was, and how the banners on the castle had pretty purple colors. Hashim hardly listened. It made him sort of sad that he was prettying her up for standing in the marketplace, or maybe just staying here in the Alienage slum and having their own feast for prince Vallon. The only elves attending were servants, and him. He frowned, Alistair had promised a change, but nothing had changed. "There," he said with a smile, "pretty as can be." He pulled her close to him and pointed up into the tree tops. "Look, when I was a small child I used to dream myself out of here, staring up into the branches. Almost looks like a different place if you squint." 

"Yeah," Alwa said dreamily. "Uncle?" 

"Yes?" 

"Are you really going to the party at the castle, or are you going stay here with us?" 

Hashim sighed and wrapped his arms around the tiny elven girl. "I don't know, maybe I will just stay here with you and look at the fireworks and have some of your mother’s potato soup." 

"You'd do that? You're crazy!" She was baffled and was about to ask something more when she suddenly sat up and pointed. "Look!" 

Hashim turned his head and looked, expecting to see something like a dog that was stuck in a crate or something, but what he saw was Nathaniel who came riding into the Alienage. "I don't believe it!" Hashim whispered to himself.

"He looks like a prince, too!" Alwa said with a childish cheer. 

"He does, doesn't he?" Hashim grinned, his smile widening as Nathaniel jumped off the horse, and walked towards the vhenedal.

"Surana," he said with a smile and a slight bow.

"Which one of us?" Hashim asked, winking toward Alwa. 

Nathaniel was confused at first, but then caught on. "Actually I had brought something for Hashim, but I think they are better suited for this young lady." He turned and pulled something from the saddle, holding out a small bouquet of flowers to Alwa. "For you, my lady." He smiled.

Alwa's eyes went impossibly wide. "Flowers! Look, uncle! It's flowers!" She carefully took them from Nathaniel. "They smell wonderful. I... I have to show them to my mother!" She sprinted off to a hut nearby. 

"You made her day," Hashim said, letting Nathaniel pull him to his feet. "I don't think she ever saw flowers like that in her life." 

Nathaniel looked around. "I have to admit this place is pretty depressing." 

Hashim nodded and was about to say something when Shianni tore out from the hut with Alwa in tow. "Cousin Hashim, these belong to you." She held out the flowers, leaving the pouting Alwa behind her leg.

"No, they are Alwa's," Hashim said. 

"Are you aware what these cost?" Shianni huffed.

"I am," Hashim blinked, unimpressed. "And they are Alwa's. Please, cousin, I want her to have them." 

"All right," Shianni sighed, handing the flowers back to her daughter. "I admit they are very beautiful." 

"We can use them to make the tree pretty for the party," Alwa said to her mother.

"If that is what you want to do with them, then that is what we will do." Shianni said, picking one out and sticking it behind Alwa's ear. Shianni then took another one out and handed it to Hashim. "I believe they were meant for you," she smiled knowingly.

"Oh... well, it's okay. I have no need for flowers," Hashim said, squirming slightly, now that more elves had come out to see what all the ruckus was about. "Not that I don't appreciate the gesture or anything, it's just..." 

"Don't worry," Nathaniel said. "I can get you another one if you wish." 

"That was not what I... oh... thank you." Hashim blushed slightly, much to Shianni's amusement. 

"Well, are you ready?" Nathaniel asked, not sure what he should do or say in front of what seemed like the entire damn Alienage. 

"I am," Hashim said in a near whisper, and he didn't know if he should be mortified or get weak in the knees, when Nathaniel took his hand and gallantly kissed the knuckles ever so gently. He tried to ignore the exited giggle from Alwa. "What are you doing?" he whispered.

"I am appreciating my date." Nathaniel shot him a sly grin. "Come on, let’s go." 

Just as Hashim had secretly daydreamed, Nathaniel swung up on the horse behind him, pushing close up against Hashim's back to reach the reins of the horse. Hashim winked at Alwa just as Nathaniel wrapped an arm around his waist, while the other held the reins. The horse turned and slowly walked out of the Alienage. 

"Hashim," Nathaniel whispered, "they are going to have a feast in the Alienage? I didn't know they did that." 

"They are," Hashim answered, trying to ignore how good it felt to have Nathaniel pressed up against him. "They always did. I remember Prince Cailan's birthdays when I was a kid." He rested his head against Nathaniel's shoulder and sighed contentedly. "Everyone chips in, putting away as many potatoes as they can, so they can make a huge bowl of potato soup for everyone. Sometimes it even has carrots." 

"Potato soup?" 

"It's a feast, compared to what they eat normally," Hashim said, trying to keep the sharpness out of his voice. 

"That's horrible." 

"I know." 

"Potato soup is vile." Nathaniel said, and when Hashim was about to turn his head to argue, Nathaniel saw his moment to kiss the long slender neck. "Just kidding," he whispered.

"It's not funny." Hashim closed his eyes and wished that he would never have to get off this horse. 

~*~

Nathaniel jumped down from the horse and held up his hands to catch Hashim. "Stop it." Hashim felt an insane giggle bubble up from inside. But nonetheless, he slid down into Nathaniel's waiting arms effortlessly. 

They went into the Royal garden, and after a minimum of mingling, they sat down and watched the ceremony of Vallon getting his name, the Revered Mother blessing the little baby, and then his name was written down in the family tree. The dinner was uncomplicated and pleasant. Nathaniel was seated next to him and they had made light conversation, and Hashim had to admit that even if he had thought that it would be awkward, he found Nathaniel to be a pleasant conversation companion. Finally a band went on the stage that Hashim and Soris had built. Nobles would slip to the dance floor. 

"So, Elf," Nathaniel said placing a hand on Hashim's. "Want to dance?" 

"I don't know," Hashim whispered. "Might not be a good idea if you plan on getting back together with your own kind." 

"Excuse me?" 

"These people." Hashim gestured at the dancing, talking nobles.

"They are not my people, the Grey Wardens are my people. And last I looked, you were a warden as well." He smiled, pleased with himself for making that point. 

Hashim groaned. "You know what I mean. I might have killed the Archdemon, but most have forgotten, and the other half are not aware who killed it. I suppose they think it was Alistair." 

"Who cares what they think? You know the truth, and so does everyone else who was there that day." He held his glass of wine to Hashim's mouth. "Taste." 

Hashim gave Nathaniel a smoldering look, parting his lips to drink, and leaving poor Nathaniel biting his lip, trying not to make a very undignified sound. Hashim just smiled knowingly. "You asked for it." 

"I did, didn't I?" Nathaniel said with a little laugh. "So, a dance?" 

"Since you asked so politely," Hashim smiled, hoping he remembered whatever dancing he had been taught at the Tower of Magi. 

They may have been the most unlikely couple dancing, but Hashim thought that now that they were there, they might as well go all in. He wrapped his arms around Nathaniel's neck and let him pull him close with warm hands on his hips. 

"You're a better dancer than I thought," Nathaniel mumbled. 

Chest against chest, they danced, laughing. A warm hand appeared on Nathaniel's shoulder. "Do you mind if I borrow your companion for a moment?" Alistair said to Nathaniel.

"Of course, my King." Nathaniel let go of Hashim and disappeared into the party. 

"Walk with me," Alistair said, guiding Hashim away from the party. 

"I hope you are not going to lecture me, Ali- My king," Hashim said following Alistair into the dark of the garden.

"I'm not," Alistair said, "even if I have to admit that I am slightly jealous of your date." 

"Then what?" Hashim asked, puzzled.

Alistair stopped and looked down at Hashim in the dark. "I thought about your request. And I will grant it to you if you still want it." 

"I do, but Nathaniel doesn't," Hashim admitted. "It would be unfair of me to force it on him." 

"You didn't think so earlier," Alistair stated.

"True," Hashim said, and he really wished he had an answer as to why. 

"Good," Alistair said with a little smile. 

"I don't follow," Hashim said, confused. 

"It means that you're not desperate to leave anymore," Alistair stated with a satisfied smile. 

"Maker, Alistair!" Hashim groaned. "You make less sense than my brother, and that is not a lot." 

"So little Howe, huh?" Alistair laughed. "Who would have thought?" 

"Don't marry me off yet," Hashim laughed. "I just agreed to be his companion for this party." 

"From the looks of it, you're doing an excellent job," Alistair laughed. "You are the talk of the party, and all you did was dance. Imagine what the gossip would be like if you were to kiss." 

"Alistair." Hashim stopped dead in the dark in the outskirts of the party. "No matter how hard I try, I don't think that I can find it in me to be your friend." His tone was sad and hard, "And I just can't... I can’t have this conversation with you." 

"I understand," Alistair nodded. "And I admit that I might have been cruel, and that I resented you for this." He gestured toward the party. "I was quite content just being a grey warden, being at your side. I had no need for this." 

"I was wrong," Hashim said with a sad sigh. "And don't you think you have punished me enough?" 

Alistair nodded. "Maybe so." He was silent for a moment, looking out over his own son's celebration. "Yes, yes I have." 

~*~

Hashim has been drinking, laughing and dancing. He had enjoyed himself more than he had ever thought he would when he came here. He couldn't explain it, but just to hear Alistair fumbling for a way for them to come to peace, it had been like the last shroud of regret and guilt had been cast away. Some of the guests had been outright mortified when Hashim had handed his drink to an elven servant. But Nathaniel had just rolled his eyes at it, knowing that Hashim was right. No matter how far Hashim made it, most of the nobility would never be able to see past his elven features. And they would always count him as less, and always expect him to do outrageous things like handing a drink to a thirsty fellow. Nathaniel had leaned in and whispered, "What do you say we swipe a couple of bottles and take them to your family?" 

Hashim lit up. "You know what? That is an excellent idea!" 

When they left the feast, they were stumbling arm in arm down the cobbled streets, singing a lewd song about a chantry sister and a farmer. Hashim fell to his knees laughing, letting Nathaniel haul him back to his feet. As he stood, he wrapped his arms around Nathaniel's neck. "Nathaniel," he said, still giggling, slurring slightly. He gave up on talking and just rose on his toes and crushed their lips together in a sloppy drunken kiss. 

Nathaniel turned them around pushed Hashim up against a building without ending the kiss. "We shouldn't..." he mumbled against Hashim's lips.

It took a moment for Hashim to register the words, but when he did, he broke the kiss and looked up at Nathaniel. "Why?" 

"I just don't want you to think that I'm taking advanta - "

"You're not." Hashim grabbed Nathaniel's hips and pulled him close, close enough to feel Hashim's erection beneath his leather pants. "I want it, too," he said, smiling devilishly. Nathaniel sucked in his breath. This was not exactly the way he had expected things to go. He had imagined that he would cater to Hashim to soften him up to the idea, but when he felt the battle rough hands push down his pants, he knew that the time for wooing and preparing was over. This was how it was going to be. 

"Here?" Nathaniel couldn't hide his grin as he undid Hashim's pants, too. 

"Mmhhmmm." Hashim purred, stepping out of his pants, letting Nathaniel lift him up and he hooked his legs around Nathaniel's waist. "We have to be quick, before someone sees us." 

Nathaniel nodded. He turned his head and spat into his hand, smearing the spit over his erection. Repeating that two times, he figured it wouldn't get much better. "I love the way you think, Warden," he whispered, guiding himself with his hand.

Hashim licked a wet trail along Nathaniel's chin. "Less talk, more action," he whispered back, trying to angle his hips better for Nathaniel to push inside him. And when he did, the pain made Hashim grind his teeth, but the delicious knowledge of it being Nathaniel who filled him so, gave him goose bumps. Nathaniel pushed them up against the wall again, holding on to the wall with one hand, and taking Hashim's rapidly decreasing erection in his hand, pumping it none too gently. Hashim clung to Nathaniel, moaning as Nathaniel finally started thrusting. "Shit..." Nathaniel panted. "This won't work…" 

Hashim let go of Nathaniel and for a second lost the body contact, as he turned around and placed a hand against the wall. Nathaniel caught on and wrapped an arm around Hashim's waist, moaning softly as Hashim reached back and impatiently pulled him closer. "Maker... yes," Hashim gasped. 

Nathaniel knew they had to be quick about it, and grabbed hold of Hashim's hips, fucking the elf under him with ruthless abandon, and judging from the way Hashim's voice, hoarse from drinking and singing, would moan and mewl, he knew it was just what his lover wanted. 

It took about as long to get their pants on, as it had done to get them off, because they were still kissing and touching while they tried to get dressed. Flushed and grinning, they made their way out of the alley. They had to find a proper bed, but at least they didn't have to hide their true motives anymore. 

End-

 

EPILOGUE:

Hashim had been a little hesitant at first, if not directly mortified. But Nathaniel had taken absolute delight in offending as many nobles as he could with his newfound affection for the warden commander. And when they left Denerim at last, Hashim could have sworn that the only thing separating Nathaniel from the elves were his physical features. He was amazed at how many intelligent questions Nathaniel had asked, trying to blend in at the Alienage. Not that he would ever blend in, but Hashim didn't have the heart to tell him. At least he didn't offend anyone, and the elves at the Alienage, including Hashim's own family, all seemed to like him a lot. 

The trip home had been eventless, apart from them wasting too much time in camp. Hashim was worried how this would pan out once they were back at the Warden's Keep. But all his worries were quickly smashed. Nathaniel acted no differently than he had in Denerim, if he didn't count that the rogue moved his belongings into Hashim's quarters without really asking him. Hashim could have been angry, but he was truthfully flattered. In Nathaniel, Hashim found the loyalty and companionship he had always longed for, and never truly gotten. 

Hashim wet his quill and wrote, 'Most strange are the places where love is found. It can hide in any nook or cranny, and a wise man would leave no stone unturned. Who would ever have thought that I would call a man of the Howe bloodline my heart? Not me. And who would have thought that love would grow roots beyond physical pleasure, or flowery phrases? I didn't know that, and daily I thank you, Nathaniel, for showing me thus.' He blew on the ink to dry it, and placed the quill back in the holder. "Are you done yet?" Nathaniel called from the bed. Hashim turned in his chair and smiled. "I am."


End file.
